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Teen Poetry #8
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you tell me
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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you tell me |
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wwzwlmd8 Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96San Diego,CA |
You see her there in misery you try to comfort, but she doesn't want it, you try to ask, she doesn't answer. she is dead in herself; she's lost in her own mind. she's alone by herself in a dark room, she's mad at the world mad at her family, mad at herself. Know one likes her, she doesn't even like how she looks. She's alone in her dark room in a mind of emptness. DEAD!!!!!! IF you can make up a title fill free to tell me. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
It seems like a rant. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Agree with rhia 100%. It just seemed like you were screaming at your readers that she lives in a dark room. I think you need to do some revisions on this poem. Make the poem so that it expresses emotions but doesn't scream em at the bystanders. "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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wwzwlmd8 Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96San Diego,CA |
How does it seem like a rant I'm telling you how she feel's and she is in a dark room I'm not yelling READ'S SHE'S IN A DARK ROOM it is how you read it and that's not how I wrote it I wrote it in tears when I was mad at one of my family members. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
If it is a rant its not realy poetry. Do want crittique for this or should we lay off if this was really emotional for you? |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Yes, as rhia said if this was written at an emotional time in your life you might prefer that we don't critique. I'm sorry if my comment offended you in any way but it still stands as is. I don't look at peoples poems and say "oh this is happening to them", I prefer to keep the poem detached and that can sometimes be my downfall. You might want to consider posting "no critiques" when you post something like this poem. As I said didn't mean to offend and I do hope you'll continue posting more. "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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wwzwlmd8 Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96San Diego,CA |
You still didn't answer my question what should I put for my title? |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
"the rant" O.K that isn't funny sorry. Um.. how about Alone+dark room=..... |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
"Dark emptyness" or however you spell the word. I'm not good at titles though... "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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wwzwlmd8 Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96San Diego,CA |
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
What do you mean "what!!!!!!", you got my answer and there it is, I THINK it is rather simple to understand. "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
ok... wwzwlmd8 your constructive critiques says "say what you want and be true" yet you are so offended that you seem to being rude.. i'm sure everyone is sorry for offending you but everyone here is equal and we help each other out.. i haven't been on for a while but I do know that the people on this site have helped me so much in my writing and if you listen and take their advice but still go with what your heart says you can be an excellent writer.. after of course you learn to accept peoples comments with the grace of an adult instead of the immaturity of a child.. and that means no offense so dont' take this the wrong way.. i'm not a moderator but this site is a kind place and everyone should try to keep it that way.. thank you for posting this.. I didn't think you were yelling either.. everyone just has different opinions so you could just explain it to us if you want us to know exactly what you mean.. if not.. poetry is what the writer puts in to it and what the reader gets out of it.. not perfect... keep posting and i hope you enjoy it here ~heather~ Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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wwzwlmd8 Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96San Diego,CA |
I'm so sorry for being rude to my readers and i just wanted to tell you I didn't understand what you ment in the title you gave me . I just want to say let's just drop the subject and get on with owr poems.I will be reading posting more poems and reading more poems. see you very soon. |
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