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hollygal
Junior Member

since 2006-12-30

Posts 21
Alberta, Canada

0 posted 2006-12-30 09:20 PM

sorry this is so long. hope you like it. This is my first poem posted here

Can I Trust You?

The walls close around me
even though they aren’t there
no one can see them
but me
then through the darkness
you reach out your hand
tear a hole through the prison around me
and offer me all I’ve ever hoped for.

You offer me friendship
you offer me hope
you offer me comfort
and to be not alone
you offer me something I missed
something I’m not sure I ever had
you offered a precious gift
Friendship

But I do not trust you
I see veiled threat
I’ve been hurt again and again.
You may say that I’m your friend
but I’ve heard it all before.
They’ve told me I’m important,
they told me they’ll be there,
they told me to trust them,
but then they disappeared.
I became a shadow,
a ghost of who I was
I faded into the background
silent as a mouse.
I know no one cares.

But then you reached through to me
and brought me to the sun
I stopped being a shadow
and returned to the dawn
and with you there beside me
I finally had a hope.
Might I be healed?
But I still am not sure.
Do I trust you?
Do I not?
I want to. I want to so bad

What you do tells me to,
again and again.
But I’m still not sure.
So give me a while,
stay by my side,
wait as I gather my courage.
I will plunge in,
leave nothing behind,
make my bid, like there’s nothing to lose
For there’s nothing I have
that I haven’t lost before,
and there’s everything to gain.
Be patient.
Wait for me.

I gather my strength,
my courage,
and plunge.
Because I need someone
and I think that someone is you.
Will you be my true friend?

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2006-12-30 09:57 PM

Welcome to Pip.

Um, are you sure this is the best place to begin?

If you have the time, please peruse the poems and the comments. If you're not comfortable with that, we can move this somewhere else (if only temporarily).

In a nutshell, yes, this poem needs improvement.

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

2 posted 2007-01-01 06:20 PM

welcome to pip holly, umm i don't really know what to say- it needs straitening out and you need to decide whether or not you want it to rhyme or not.

again welcome- nice to see a new face

-Lovely

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

3 posted 2007-01-04 09:45 PM

The beginning I thought was good, The middle and ending kind of lost my interenst althought I can see where you are coming form with this poem and I hope you don't get discouraged. I hope to see more poems from you soon...
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

hollygal
Junior Member

since 2006-12-30

Posts 21
Alberta, Canada

4 posted 2007-01-04 11:23 PM

Thanks for the feed back, though a bit more specific would help.is this better?

Can I Trust You?

The walls close around me
even though they aren’t there
no one can see them
but me
then through the darkness
you reach out your hand
tear a hole through the prison around me
and offer me all I’ve ever hoped for.

You offer me friendship
you offer me hope
you offer me comfort
and to be not alone
you offer me something I missed
something I’m not sure I ever had
you offered a precious gift
Friendship

But I do not trust you
I see veiled threat
I’ve been hurt again and again.
You may say that I’m your friend
but I’ve heard it all before.
They’ve told me I’m important,
they told me they’ll be there,
they told me to trust them,
but then they disappeared.
I became a shadow,
a ghost of who I was
I faded into the background
silent as a mouse.
I know no one cares.

But then you reached through to me
and brought me to the sun
I stopped being a shadow
and returned to the dawn
and with you there beside me
I finally had a hope.
Might I be healed?

I gather my strength,
my courage,
and plunge.
Because I need someone
and I think that someone is you.
Will you be my true friend?

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

5 posted 2007-01-05 04:40 AM

It went on and off in places. Some bits drew me to be interested and to like it a lot.Then others made it go away.
Try putting punctuation in. Also try full sentences and maybe shorter.

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