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Teen Poetry #8
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like none i've done before
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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like none i've done before |
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whitelielovely Member
since 2006-12-11
Posts 146Australia |
it hurt to know you, to feel what it's like to touch to feel your hands around my shaking self darling i don't know if it's you i want i think i want my other boy my once ago, my other friend different than i thought i don't want you tell me that you'll hold me, b/c theres no one else i want to be the one to love, but not by you don't want to be the supermodel body you've held i want to be held,thats the way you can love me [This message has been edited by whitelielovely (12-13-2006 05:00 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Whittney Larraine Lovely - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
THis is really prosey , i think some of the words you should take out and make it more poetic . Maybe straighten out the meter and structure |
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whitelielovely Member
since 2006-12-11
Posts 146Australia |
that was kinda vauge, do you know which words? i'm not very good at editing my own stuff. thanks alot. it's the first one i ever wrote with names, since now they can't see them. lol -Lovely "When you find that you have found yourself, you find that you won't have to look for much else." -Amanda Ann |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
[ ] =delete. ( ) =add i hurt to know yo feel what it's like to touch(this i didnt understand) feel your hands around my shoulders( try to make it more elaborate and descriptive darling i don't know if it's you i think i want my other boy(this is out of context it throws the idea.) (the old timer) [my once ago], my other friend different than i thought i want someone( what are you trying to say here try it in less words but each word holding its own story) tell me that you'll hold me ( i )wish you'd love me once again i want to be a girl to love not the supermodel body you've held (what do you mean, you want to be a person and not loved for the body?) love me i want to be held, (describe how you picture this thats the way you can love me |
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Draugluin Junior Member
since 2006-12-08
Posts 48Ontario, Canada |
This poem has the message "love me for who i am" but, it loses it's potency here in wordyness. You could attempt it with the fewest words you possibly can. Make it as direct as you can. |
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whitelielovely Member
since 2006-12-11
Posts 146Australia |
well i took some of your advice, not all, but i thank you for it all. i fixed it. i was kinda confused in writing it b/c it's full of mixed emotions. she just wants someone there to hold her, to speak her laungue of touch, but she doesn't really want the one who speaks her laungue, she wants her old boyfriend back the one that loves her inside emotions and everthign else about her, not the boy who loves her body b/c she looks like a supermodel "Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." |
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