Okay, so tell me what you think.

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River Of Tears
Junior Member

since 2006-10-28

Posts 25
Canada!

0 posted 2006-12-05 06:30 PM

I sat there thinking you were my friend,
and then I started to
get down on myself again.
Were you ever my friend?
It hurts me to say that I
hope your never my friend
again,
because the pain I went
through when we were
"friends" will
be with me 'till the end.
I thought you were my
friend over and over again,
but a real friend wouldn’t
have put me through that
stress and pain that
you did again and again.
So now as I end my poem
to the reason of my
sadness, I ask you,
my pain and misery,
did you see any of those
words in present tense?
No, because of all the
pain you put me through,
you are past tense,
something I wish only
to look back on,
and never have to go
through again.

I am only 14, and just started really writing poems, about 2 years ago, I know they need work...But if you could tell me what you think it would be great

Jess
Member

since 2006-06-06

Posts 243
Washington

1 posted 2006-12-05 10:22 PM

Well, I think the poem was a bit repetitive; even though the poem was about friends, you used the word way too much, along with "again" On a brighter note, I think your topic is something most teens can relate to. All in all, not a bad first posting.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

2 posted 2006-12-06 12:03 PM

~I sat there thinking you were my friend,
and then I started to
get down on myself again.~ (this was my favorite part)
... the beginning was good i thought the end could use some work though.I can definately relate to this as most probably can... This was, however was very good for your first post. some grammar errors though... i hope to read more poems from you...
hunnie

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare

River Of Tears
Junior Member

since 2006-10-28

Posts 25
Canada!

3 posted 2006-12-06 12:16 PM

Thanks everybody, I know it needs some work, and I noticed that I do indeed use a lot of the same words a lot through out the whole thing. I am still not great with grammer no matter what its for, a test, or a poem, I know it needs work, but THANK YOU got telling my what you actualy think, I came here to get help with my poems.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

4 posted 2006-12-06 01:09 PM

It was really more prose than poetry. Try taking out some of the words and formatting the lines so they say something in each line . Also try not as repitive and try some imagery

River Of Tears
Junior Member

since 2006-10-28

Posts 25
Canada!

5 posted 2006-12-06 04:44 PM

Thanks, I worte this one quick, I sometimes get frustraited and if I am working on a poem, will just try to finish it ASAP... This was one of them. I liked the begining, but after that it was weird. Does anybody eles have any ideas on how I can fix it up?

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