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Teen Poetry #8
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The End
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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The End |
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River Of Tears Junior Member
since 2006-10-28
Posts 25Canada! |
The end was coming, I could see it all so clear. The path our friendship took had an end, And it was coming near. I spent my whole life hiding in this ever-lasting fear, But now the end was coming, And there was much left for you to hear. My days and nights were spent crying for you, And the choices you had made, But the chances of you hearing me Were growing smaller with each day. I knew the choices you had made would take their toll someday, But I wish it hadn’t had to happen on that day, In that tragic way, And I just had to say. I knew I couldn’t stand to see you drink it all away again today, So I did what I had to, I stopped it all. I told you of the pain I felt, and how you were making me life hell, But you didn’t even tell me how you felt, just grabbed another beer, To try and hide all that fear. I woke the next morning to the sound of Mama crying, I jumped from bed and ran from my room, Only to hear “Everyone knew her time was coming, But no one thought it would happen this way, No one thought she’d take her life one day.” I know it could still use work, and I will work on it more, but I just wanted to see if you guys think I could do something more with it. Thanks for reading! I am me, And always will be, If you think you can change me, Take a better look cause, I am happy as me! |
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| © Copyright 2007 ShayLee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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surf_painter Member
since 2007-04-10
Posts 434Canada |
i liked it just the way it was it told the story perfectly and clearly |
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Gifted Member
since 2007-06-26
Posts 140Caribbean |
Yes the poem definetely needs more work. It just didn't flow for me. I like the way it told a story though. Also some of the lines flowed and others didn't which gave me a strange feel of it. Some of the lines where too long, and others where to short. It seems like you put the line breaks in the wrong place. LOL. I understood what you were talking about but you need to put more of yourself into it, and make it flow. Then the poem will be appreciated much more than it is now. Good job though! Keep it up. |
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River Of Tears Junior Member
since 2006-10-28
Posts 25Canada! |
Thanks so much for the tips! I have been going thorough a really difficult time in my life right now, I've been really sressed and depressed, and for me to get my words out the right way has been really hard for me. I haven't written a poem before this one for abour 2 and a half months, and I am just now getting back into writing. Ill take those tips to heart and see what I can do! I am me, And always will be, If you think you can change me, Take a better look cause, I am happy as me! |
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