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Teen Poetry #8
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Reflective Schizophrenic
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Reflective Schizophrenic |
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filociphur New Member
since 2006-11-15
Posts 7 |
Would you bare your soul on paper? Expose your weaknesses in search for a saviour. And if no one should come would you feel alone in the world? Wander without a face to the ends of the earth. Could you share your desires without the fear of being judged? Spend one lifetime without ever being loved? If you saw a man dying, would you comfort him by lying? Or let him see into your soul so he may know that you are crying? Weep for born babies having to live in this world? Or rather rejoice in the miracle of one giving birth? Questions we never ask, responses that make us cringe, Responsibilities seeming grave we’re all afraid to sink. You look into my eyes, not to demand my attention; But solely as means to catch your reflection. You study my face but not to see where I’ve been; I show you a smile, but to you it’s a grin. You watch me as I walk but not to see where I’m going, Not to see who I’ve become, not to see how I’m growing; You watch me waiting for answers, ones I can’t give, The ones I can’t give away, the ones that are gifts. Would you have your child knowing she’ll be disabled? Knowing she won’t accessorize with diamonds, rather cables. Would you fall in love with a man residing in a box? If he made your world sparkle and he paused all the clocks? Would you infect yourself with AIDS to give an infant a chance at life? Offer your opportunities to him for a decent chance at life. If she would never know would you ever be unfaithful to your wife? Deliberately drive her away and right into a knife. Are human desires more significant than a human life? I look into your eyes and I witness the birth of hope. Your back shows the pressures being hoisted up a slope. Your legs grow weary from your search for wisdom, As your mind develops tactics against the system. Your feet emanate forty days and nights in the desert, Once lost, you’ve found truth; What should be treasured. You walk a path of righteousness; And I can’t see the logic, but it makes sense. |
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| © Copyright 2006 filociphur - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
This needs stanzas. Some of the metaphors and lines were good. The general idea I liked. But the rhyming seemed forced. The title doesn't really fit either. But in a way it does. Some of the rhyming was ok though. I really liked some parts of this. By shortening this and making it more compact you could make this into a very interesting read. |
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Tempest Member
since 2006-04-28
Posts 247dont eat paint chips!!!! |
very good writing style, though i agree it needs stanza's. i really liked the intro. i really think its good. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
WELCOME TO PIP!!!  umm well first i liked the thought behind this poem, although secondly i wouls also have to agree stanza would make it easier, not better but easier to read,b/c when you see a poem with all the lines(no stanzas) you get to thinking this seems jumbled, hard to read... but i rather much enjoyed this poem and like Tempest said like the intro. as i say it was captivating.hunnie  A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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