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Teen Poetry #8
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Make Believe Dances
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Make Believe Dances |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513
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Much like the promises you speak Raindrops turn to nothing at my feet Doing so well til they hit the ground Then they lose all control with so little sound I ask for nothing And expect even less You say you can save me Well lets make it a bet If you win I guess you can stay And if I lose Then let's both run away There's so much to see far away I've heard But lost in your eyes I'm deaf to their words They're screaming and shouting But I hear not a thing And if it turns out you're lying Then I'll just make believe You ask for it all And expect more and more I cant turn my back With your eyes toward the floor I guess we'll leave it to chance And when the music stops We'll dance one more dance [This message has been edited by pen&paper (10-13-2008 07:29 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Cierra L. Robbeloth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
WOW.. i loved it. I could feel every emotion. Your an amazing writer. Jess xx |
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Taylor See Member
since 2008-10-07
Posts 55North Carolina, US |
This poem is very well done. The meaning comes through very strong and it is constructed well too. A couple suggestions (Only if you like them): ...And expect even less You say ((you)) can save me [Add in "you" here] Well lets make it a bet... ...They're screaming and shouting But I hear((Change?)) nothing [Just a thought, maybe alter line to "But I don't hear a thing"] And if it turns out you're lying... I loved the last part of the poem, great job on the ending! Keep it up! Taylor And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
the you was supposed to be in there slight typo sorry! luv ya'll Cierra |
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