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Teen Poetry #8
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pen&paper
Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513


0 posted 2008-10-11 10:21 PM


Much like the promises you speak
Raindrops turn to nothing at my feet
Doing so well til they hit the ground
Then they lose all control with so little sound

I ask for nothing
And expect even less
You say you can save me
Well lets make it a bet
If you win
I guess you can stay
And if I lose
Then let's both run away

There's so much to see far away I've heard
But lost in your eyes I'm deaf to their words
They're screaming and shouting
But I hear not a thing
And if it turns out you're lying
Then I'll just make believe

You ask for it all
And expect more and more
I cant turn my back
With your eyes toward the floor
I guess we'll leave it to chance
And when the music stops
We'll dance one more dance

[This message has been edited by pen&paper (10-13-2008 07:29 PM).]

© Copyright 2008 Cierra L. Robbeloth - All Rights Reserved
RevengeIsMine
Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820
Australia
1 posted 2008-10-12 02:38 AM


WOW.. i loved it.
I could feel every emotion.
Your an amazing writer.

Jess
xx

Taylor See
Member
since 2008-10-07
Posts 55
North Carolina, US
2 posted 2008-10-13 03:03 PM


This poem is very well done. The meaning comes through very strong and it is constructed well too.

A couple suggestions
(Only if you like them):

...And expect even less
You say ((you)) can save me
[Add in "you" here]
Well lets make it a bet...

...They're screaming and shouting
But I hear((Change?)) nothing
[Just a thought, maybe alter line to
"But I don't hear a thing"]
And if it turns out you're lying...

I loved the last part of the poem, great job on the ending!

Keep it up!

Taylor

And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall
They forget that they can move themselves, in the greatest game of all

pen&paper
Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513

3 posted 2008-10-13 05:17 PM


the you was supposed to be in there

slight typo

sorry!

luv ya'll

Cierra

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