Matches - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

NCCXC86
Junior Member

since 2006-09-25

Posts 18
Michigan

0 posted 2006-10-30 11:04 PM

Ashes to ashes,
some dust on the floor,
as I sit in a corner.
But I can't find the fire
that's calming me down.

I'll watch the clock
until time ends
while you're out on a night
with your friends.
And you don't seem to tire
when I'm not around.

Mom always said,
"Strike a match,
hold your breath,
and your wish
will come true."

I'm holding my breath.

I searched every pocket
that hung in the closet
until I found some matches
in an old brown jacket,
one I swore I've never warn,
but it once kept you warm.

Do you remember
the last time you said,
"I love you?"
And you still haven't called.
So I'll wait 'til they're
closing the bars.

I made a wish.
But the match never lit.

-Love is a promise delivered already broken-

filociphur
New Member

since 2006-11-15

Posts 7

1 posted 2006-11-15 03:16 AM

I find messages of this sort hard to convey. You managed to choose a very good direction for which you wanted your imagery to go; however, the necessary link needed to bring this poem to its full potential was a tad off. As a more experienced writer all I have as far as advice goes is this: Keep writing about what's dear to you, because you can learn to write better with time, but you can't learn to feel.

P.S. Keep sharing your thoughts and emotions.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2006-11-15 10:59 AM

Good imagery, but make your message simpler. Don't bring as much intricacy and complicatedness(made up a word but wutever) into it. I have noticed that you tend to write more deep poems when they are more clear.

Liked this idea. Rings a bell, was this a rewrite of one of your previous writes.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

3 posted 2006-11-15 11:00 AM

Hey,filociphur haven't seen you around much. Do you post poems or stories here? and where if so? I would like to read your writing .

RhIa

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

4 posted 2006-11-15 11:02 AM

My apologies I did not see your poems when I first saw them. I will read them now.

!Smile!

RhIa

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.