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idntcareifudntcare
Junior Member

since 2006-10-18

Posts 18
BC, Canada

0 posted 2006-10-18 01:06 AM

Romance Suffering
by: me... duhr..lol..

I was alone and you passed by.
My mind got blocked I dont know why.
All Im suppose to do is sigh.
Cause you'll never be mine.

I cant stop this feeling.
This emotion from me to you,
thats not worth mentioning.
And thats why I need to be writing,
This Stupid Romance Suffering

Your like that fruit from that
long ago Garden.
Which had been forbidden.
I dont want that to happen.

Stop my Romance Suffering.

xxx

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-10-18 09:42 AM

What feeling? Describe please! Love the garden stanza. Beautiful description and metaphor \similee

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

2 posted 2006-10-18 11:01 AM

Hi idntcareifudntcare,

Welcome to passions! I'm going to say this because I haven't seen you before and I feel like welcoming you

I loved this part of the poem, "I was alone and you passed by.
My mind got blocked I dont know why."

The last line in that would be my favorite because I can image so many senarios that would work with this poem. It just goes along good with the general idea.

I also like the garden stanza. It has a nice imagery, like rhia said, but you also used something that everyone knows about and made it show differently, if you know what I mean?

Rhia was right though, you need to describe... no, show, the emotion you are talking about more. From reading this you would assume love gone wrong but what if it's not? You just leave the audience with that feeling.

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading this poem.

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->---

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

3 posted 2006-10-18 04:01 PM

HI! im welcoming you to P.I.P like stargal b/c i haven't seen your stuff either!

it seems you are a good poet[i feel like i can tell

] so i KNOW you can do better than this!
i would say, you need to be more descriptive...description is VERY important! when we're[pip peeps] reading your poetry, we don't know what's going on while you're writing it, we don't know who you are talking about, or what you are exactly feeling, so if you use description to the highest level possible, it makes it SOOO much easier for us! or at least me! when you use great description, then it makes people reading your poetry feel like they're right there with you, while you're writing it, and we can tell exactly what you mean!
i really really felt that way when i read the part about "the garden..long ago" because i know the story, and i already have a "picture" in my head of what that is...so thats my only advice!

but anyway, I CAN'T WAIT to read more from you! and again, welcome=]

~missy
My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away..
my love is a waste of time
if you never stay

idntcareifudntcare
Junior Member

since 2006-10-18

Posts 18
BC, Canada

4 posted 2006-10-19 01:16 AM

thank u guys .. ill keep that in mind.. =]].. and my first poem it got deleted cause it has unappropriate lang.. so yea..

xxx

[This message has been edited by idntcareifudntcare (10-19-2006 04:56 PM).]

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

5 posted 2006-10-19 11:23 PM

oh thats why i couldn't find it today...I replyed to that poem too but just in case you didn't see it but it was a good poem but i wasn't too sure on the language either, even though you didn't use the whole word... but i thought this was another good poem, the first and last lines were very strong good beggining and ending, kind of made the poem have closure... good poem and i hope to read more soon...
oh and again WELCOME TO Passions.
hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

AltairVonCreed
Junior Member

since 2006-10-16

Posts 14
Nephi, Utah.

6 posted 2006-10-20 01:09 AM

Romantic suffering of a discouraged youthful romance, put together in simpilistic words. Strangly, it describes me in a sort of vaque way.

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