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| Teen Poetry #8 |
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When |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
When did you plan to say? 'I don't like you I just pretend each day.' Did you think that I might never guess? Were you ever planning to confess? Would you ever step down from your throne? And realize that the worlds not yours to own. When did you plan to actually get up the guts? To think enough and tell me exactly what Was going on, how you feel When were you gonna be real? I can see through your little routine, you are so fake! Keep acting and its just gonna be you that'll break When did you plan to tell me to my face What you thought? Instead you’re full of hate. You don't know me and never will Not even trying to, you know nil. You are way too quick To judge me, just think If you tried to get to know me There might be more than you can see. [This message has been edited by rhia_5779 (10-12-2006 04:34 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
When did you plan to say? 'I don't like you I just pretend each day.' Did you think that I might never guess? Were you ever planning to confess? You are way too quick To judge me, just think If you tried to get to know me There might be more than you can see. wow rhia this was absolutly beautiful a very strong beggining and ending. i can understand where you are coming from. this has to be one of my favorite poems from you good write willb e looking for more in the future  ... oh and i think there is a spelling error in line 5 i think it's supposed to be throne not thrown. the english language eh?...hunnie* A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
I don’t know Rhia the whole poem just screams cliché at me, no offence. This idea that you are using in your poem has just been used and reused so many times that it’s hard to find it interesting anymore. You need something new something different to shake the poem up and make it worth the time taken to read it. Plus, I find this to be annoying but others might not agree with me, the last line of S2 and first line of S3. I dislike, in all poems, how you are in the middle of a sentence in S2 and it cuts you short like that, sure, S3 continues on but you ruin the impact you could have with the sentence. I realize you did that, or so I think, to keep the stanzas the same length but I think you could’ve done better. Actually, I’m only getting started on this poem but I think I’ll leave it at this… I don’t mean to offend you in what I’ve said, it is just MHO. "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
This is not one of best, I know. It is cliche. It was a in the moment, this has passed now. A couple of weeks ago, I heard kind of a rumour that a bunch of kids I considered friends actually disliked me and my friends. I was really upset at the time. Turns out the person who told me, either misunderstood or was lying.its not true. Not great I know. |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
Hm, not my favorite by you. I felt like some of the rhyming was really forced sounded, but other than that and some things hunnie and stargal suggested, I think you did a nice job. Keep 'em coming! ~Alli~ |
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