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Angel101¢¾!
Junior Member

since 2007-10-21

Posts 48
Lost in pain

0 posted 2007-10-22 12:32 PM

This is based on something horrible that happened to me about two weeks

My heart was split in two

half for your brother,
half for you.

Until one day you heard me say "I Love your brother."

Then you admitted you where my secret lover.

Now my heart is not split in two but in a million pieces because of you.

Seeker72
Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 387
Oregon USA

1 posted 2007-10-22 12:51 PM

You should format it so it doesn't read like one big sentence.

Other than that is was good... sad but good.

Try something like this... and please shout at me if you don't like me messing with your work... I would do the same...

My heart was split in two
half for your brother half for you.

Until one day you heard me say
"I Love your brother."

Then you admitted you where my secret lover.

Now my heart is not split in two
but in a million pieces

because of you.

Just one way you can throw it out for others to have an easier read.

Angel101¢¾!
Junior Member

since 2007-10-21

Posts 48
Lost in pain

2 posted 2007-10-22 06:30 PM

ok thanks and im not gonna yell @ u

Angel101¢¾!
Junior Member

since 2007-10-21

Posts 48
Lost in pain

3 posted 2007-10-22 06:55 PM

u have such good peoms seeker72 i wouldnt care if u messed with all my poems

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

4 posted 2007-10-23 12:52 PM

I agree with Seeker72 on this one, the way s/he set it up reads much easier. Just a little FYI, the line
“Then you admitted you where my secret lover.”-the word “where” should be “were”. I’ve only read one other poem of yours but I like your style, your able to say what needs said and that’s it, something I have a hard time doing. Thanks for sharing this piece it was a wonderful read.

~Stargal

"The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away"
@-->---

Seeker72
Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 387
Oregon USA

5 posted 2007-10-23 01:03 AM

I tend not to comment on other peoples spelling as my own can be horrid at times. ;-)

I'm a He just so you know.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

6 posted 2007-10-23 01:16 AM

I’m sorry if that sounded rude. My own preference is to have people tell me so I can correct and I’m afraid I assumed that others would like the same done for them.

~Stargal

"The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away"
@-->---

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

7 posted 2007-10-23 01:17 AM

Double post, I'm not sure why?

~Stargal

"The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away"
@-->---

Seeker72
Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 387
Oregon USA

8 posted 2007-10-23 01:23 AM

Sorry right back to you, I wasn't reacting to your post in any negative form what so ever.

Just pointing out to Angel that I personally don't tend to point out spelling due to my own issues with the written word.

I'm sorry if you thought it was an attack upon yourself, it was never my intention.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

9 posted 2007-10-23 01:37 AM

As unnecessary as it was thank you for the apology. You have taught me a valuable lesson though; not all people will want me to correct their spelling and I should keep that in mind, being sensitive to others feelings in this regard.

Angel~ I enjoyed the poem, as said in earlier post, but I think that the title needs something different? I’m not sure what so you would be smart to ignore me but I just thought I’d mention it…

"The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away"
@-->---

Seeker72
Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 387
Oregon USA

10 posted 2007-10-23 01:45 AM

I personally do not mind someone telling me my spelling issues, I had someone become very upset a few months back when I corrected them (Not here I must add) so I tend to shy away from that.

I must agree with the title though, it needs something that tells you just what it is about, in all honesty the first time I read the title I read "Brothers in love"

Maybe I that's just my poor eye sight.

Angel have a think about it and see if you can build your title upon the poem.

Assassin_of_Verse
Member

since 2007-10-23

Posts 330
that So Cal

11 posted 2007-10-23 03:44 AM

I apologize in advance for butting in, but I agree with Stargal.

Your title is vague in some ways. For instance, "Brothers and love" could sound like brotherly love instead of your intended meaning.

However, I really liked the last line:
"Now my heart is not split in two but in a million pieces because of you."

Angel101¢¾!
Junior Member

since 2007-10-21

Posts 48
Lost in pain

12 posted 2007-11-06 10:33 PM

th8nks everybody

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