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Teen Poetry #8
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Dive
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Dive |
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Alaina Member
since 2007-06-16
Posts 106 |
Dive into my life Dive into my heart Take a look around See if you'd like a taste of my love It's bittersweet, It'll never solve all your problems But my love will make you feel deeper Than anyone's ever could If you hold out the glass, I'll keep refilling But if not, you wouldn't be the first That's had to leave the glass half empty. I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why can't it be mine? |
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| © Copyright 2007 Alaina - All Rights Reserved | |||
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Alaina, I’ll try not to be mean in my comment but I pre-apologize for anything I say that might hurt your feelings, for I’m not sure how sensitive, sensitive is. I enjoyed your poem, it was romantic yet very honest in expressing itself. I have a hard time when I see the, “Dive into my life, dive into my heart”, not thinking of the word “drive”, it’s very similar and well used but the first two lines fit the poem nicely. On L7 and L8 it stumbles some, it’s hard to read those together in one sentence as you meant it to be read and I think that it is because of the way you worded the sentence. The third stanza could be a completely different poem, in my opinion, I actually liked how you could end it on the last line of the second stanza and make it sound complete. I thought the openness in which the poem is spoken to the reader is very refreshing and I would be delighted to see more like this one. ~Stargal "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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Alaina Member
since 2007-06-16
Posts 106 |
Thank you so much for your opinion on this, I really appreciate it. I have to say though, I'm a little confused on what you were saying. It seemed like you didn't like the way I used the word "dive," but then later you said that you liked the way it was used. You also said that you didn't think the last 2 lines of the second stanza flowed, but then you said that you thought it would sound better if I ended it there. Can you please explain this further? I was kind of confused, but I really do appreciate your input. I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why can't it be mine? |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Alaina, I'm sorry my earlier post was so confusing, I didn't give very good details into what I was talking about. I have nothing against the first two lines, I was just stating first impressions on what I was thinking when I read the first bit. "It's bittersweet, It'll never solve all your problems But my love will make you feel deeper Than anyone's ever could" I believe on this stanza if you changed the last line it would read better and make a great ending. The biggest problem I have with this is the, "anyone's ever could", I would drop the "'s" and change "could" to "would" but that's just me. The reason I think the second stanza would be a better ending is because on the third stanza you suddenly start talking about water and a glass (metaphorical I know), still seems like a sudden change in pace. Plus when you end that stanza it kind of leaves the whole poem hanging, to me at least. I hope this helps but as always I'm not a professional and my advice could be as bad as all get out. ~Stargal "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
I also apologize for my last post if it confuses you. I have a hard time with wording my replies so they make sense. I think of something and want to get it down so badly that I forget about the previous thing I said. Best of luck as is! ~Stargal "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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Alaina Member
since 2007-06-16
Posts 106 |
thank you so much, that really helped...if you have time would you mind checking out my other poem and maybe giving some advice? it would really help : ) I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why can't it be mine? |
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