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Teen Poetry #8

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confusion
New Member

since 2007-10-10

Posts 3
Arizona

0 posted 2007-10-10 11:17 PM

You look at me now with those big brown eyes
shinning so bright like the stars in the sky.
You dont know that i like you and i dont know why,
i just say it, i hide it inside.

Alaina
Member

since 2007-06-16

Posts 106

1 posted 2007-10-11 03:44 PM

i'd like to say that i use punctuation marks for emphasis. if you use them, it's not like they're wrong, they're just unnecessary. I think you need to watch your spelling though i noticed on your other poem there was a spelling mistake also. also, to make your poetry sound a little more mature instead of saying things like "he doesn't know i like him" try saying something like "he can't hear my thoughts of him" just a suggestion though, you don't have to take it

I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why can't it be mine?
-Eddie Vedder

moondogz
Member

since 2007-05-01

Posts 397
Great White North

2 posted 2007-10-13 06:51 PM

Hidden

You look at me
with those big brown eyes.

Shining so bright
like the stars in the sky.

You don't know that I like you
and I don't know why.

I just don't say it
I hide it inside.

Hey confusion, this is how I would be inclined to present this poem, just a suggestion, nice rythm and feeling. Welcome to pip talk, moon.

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