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Teen Poetry #8
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| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Untitled |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
Irritation from this spec of ash reaching my eye to blind my failure in a monstrous mask. Neoprene stretched across my face, custom fit to leave no hint, no clue, no speculation to where the corpse lays in consternation. Witnesses laid down in moist black tar never to testify or try to erase the bruises and stitches surfacing this mask. Shoveled into furnaces, the numb limbs fuel the beast, igniting it's success to storm idle crooks, leaking ashes of sagacity from it's wounds. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Jayjara, I admit I’m having a hard time with this piece! Visually there is a lot of interesting going on in the poem, very imaginative in places but maybe to subtle in that I’m having a hard time deciding what this is about. Of course I am very dense so that could be part of my troubles but there’s so many things this could mean, I’ve already gotten 3-4 ideas on what it could relate too but no 100% if you know what I mean. I would suggest letting a little more of the “story” filter through into the write but that is just my opinion. Thanks for sharing, I really did like it but sometimes I prefer to be steered in the direction the writer is coming from rather then meandering around in the dark on my own  Stargal "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
yo stargal thanks for the comment and i totally understand your confusion so its kool. But I'd like to hear your interpretations rather than I just putting it out there because I love feedback and criticism and how a piece or work can trigger different emotions. thank u -J |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Jayjara, Here's the idea that I'm going to run with, I believe this could be talking about, morbid as I may sound, murdering someone and burning their body, or of course it could be about a firefighter unable to rescue a person. I rather like the first idea, yes, yes, I am very morbid in that sense, but it makes for an interesting idea and it makes more sense, a neoprene mask, witnesses, a corpse, why not? All in all it makes for an interesting read which has me continuing thinking of it into the next day, I enjoyed it very much Stargal "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
the more morbid the better..wrong analysis but an excellent deduction nonetheless. The poem is about failure and success...two abstract ideas portrayed as beasts. 1st- failure strikes; thus resulting in a mask to hide the shame. Failure goes on some sort of rampage, even destroying any witnesses. But then, the witnesses and the shame are thrown into a furnace which fuels the second beast- success 2nd- success "storms idle crooks"...rids of those (crooks) that succeeded by cheating 3rd- the act of this beast (success) inspires others to take opportunity as well and succeed on their own ("ashes of sagacity") [so maybe one person can make a difference] 4th- the poem just starts all over again...u can't understand the beginning without finishing the poem...because the ashes from line 19 are the same ashes from line 1...basically saying that this character was inspired from some one else who experienced the same "get-back-up-on-the-bike-story" This happens quite often...psychologically and naturally if someone fails they try to succeed...and their achievement is bound to affect even one person.. I hope the explanation was helpful...do not hesitate to criticize or comment, I am open for any debate. Thank you -J |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Well shoot! I was way off then. I guess my suggestion still stands, even though now I can see where your coming from, (after reading the explanation) I think you need to be a little less vague, but of course that's just me and I'm not the brightest light bulb in the store if you get my drift "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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