»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #44
»
Black waves ( my first poem)
| Open Poetry #44 |
|
Black waves ( my first poem) |
|
|
nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
unexpected black waves capsize over me capturing me as their prisoner of isolation pulling me down to their darkest depths, entangling me in seaweed tying me down to a place where reality collides into dreams pain smuthers happiness weakness beats strength. Releasing me only to seize me once more at my first breathe of air |
||
| © Copyright 2009 nina1522 - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Suncleaver Member
since 2009-01-18
Posts 481Stafford England |
Great first post Nina. And welcome to PiP.  Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told. |
||
|
HelmutB Senior Member
since 2000-01-06
Posts 964Canada |
Very nice, and yes I know that feeling of getting air only for a second and then........... The ability to describe life with words is similar to painting a picture; both can be powerful tools. |
||
|
ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Welcome Nina This is a dark work but very well expressed. That's the beauty of poetry, all types of thoughts and perspectives flow from the heart to the page and Passions is one of the greatest venues online. Nice to read your words here. Eric |
||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Welcome to Passions, Nina. Your first post is a fine snapshot of life's dark side. Well done! Eliminating the word 'over' from the first line makes the opening line more powerful.('smothers') I look forward to more of your imagery. |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
For a first poem, this is wonderful! I am sure many will relate to the imagery you've struck upon the blue pages. Enjoyed! Welcome to Passions! Please, check your email for a Very Special Greeting! " It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love |
||
|
steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
welcome to PiP, and excellent imagery presented in this write...you can almost feel the pressure of your breath taken away by one more time under...again... |
||
|
Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Your first poem?!? ~ Well, you've come to the 'write' place, New Poet! My goodness, you are making your mark right out of the starting gate! This is a remarkable first post! I continually grow by reading the works of the fine poets that grace these hallowed pip halls!  Welcome aboard!Giving you a warm, welcoming pip hug, Earth Angel  |
||
|
Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
ms nina..enjoyed watching your capsized exposure here..welcome and keep on keeping on |
||
|
nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
THAN YOU everyone for leaving such nice comments. Since this is the first poem i've ever attempted i didnt think it was any good but thank you for thinking otherwise. also since im new if anyone has any pointers or constructive criticism i would love to hear it. once agian THANK YOU! |
||
|
nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
since peopel have said my vocabulary is kind of weak i revised it (but didnt put it in a better structure). Unheralded black waves capsize over me capturing me as their prisoner of isolation. Tendrils of coiling seaweed wrap around me tying me down to a place where reality collides into dreams pain smothers happiness weakness defeats strength. Releasing me only to sieze me once more at my first breathe of air. Hope its better then original. THANK YOU everyone |
||
Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Nina, Welcome to PiP. You know, I think I like the first version better. I know that I like the seaweed line better in the first version. But, what I really like is that you are re-writing and sharing. I look forward to reading lots more of your poetry. Alison |
||
|
vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
welcome to passions enjoyed |
||
|
Suncleaver Member
since 2009-01-18
Posts 481Stafford England |
Although your first attempt was supernal as a first post, I believe your second had a better structure and sophistication of diction. Things keep moving on up! Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told. |
||
|
Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
nina1522 - an excellent first write, somewhat dark but well written... BC |
||
|
Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Welcome, Nina. This is a very good first poem. Keep writing and sharing. Ida |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
