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Kahlia1229
New Member

since 2009-01-24

Posts 3
washington, U.S.A

0 posted 2009-01-25 07:28 PM

i know you love to hate me
dont you honey?
i dont ask simple questions
just for my own benefit
you seem to not care
when i ask you to shut up
your nose in the air
but your sinking below the floor
my dreams dont comfort me
the way you make me feel
you seem to understand, but do you care?

honestly i dont beleive you do
you play you little games
with my head
my heart
my life
i'm done with this
your overactive mouth can drown in it's own self pity

your mind can take all the time in the world
but either way
your not making me wait one more second
i'm through with waiting
i'm through with crying for you
my decision is final
i'm on my own

i wont die alone
because i have the hope inside
the defeat will never arise
as long as your six feet below me
as long as i dont have to look in those eyes once more

the time i've spent on my own
is the time i greatly needed
the time that i know i'll finally get
as i fly on to the horizon
awaiting my chance to get away
to fly high away from the shunned ones

i'm finally taking wind
of the life i can give myself
the hope i can bestow upon others
so with the wind i'll open my wings
to fly, fly away

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-25

Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

1 posted 2009-01-25 09:03 PM

Yo dear Kahlia1229,

I'm surprised no one has commented on this.

The idea is there, but be careful of the English.

The are no such words as "dont", and "wont".

Use "don't" and "won't".  They are contractions for "do not", and "will not".

Also, always capitalize your first person singular personal pronoun "I", as in "I'm"

I'm surprised that no one else has offered help with your work.  There are so many experts here.  Perhaps they are a little too self centered.

You might read other peoples work here.

If you are still in school, stay there, if not, go back.

Good luck with your work.

Bobby

[This message has been edited by Robert E. Jordan (01-25-2009 10:35 PM).]

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

2 posted 2009-01-25 10:28 PM

Kahlia1229 - if these words are true, I wish you well. If written just to write, you do that well. As Bobby mentioned, correct spelling helps...

BC

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

3 posted 2009-01-26 01:10 AM

Kahlia,

Welcome to PiP. I am so glad that you joined us. I think your poem is interesting.

quote:
i'm through with waiting
i'm through with crying for you
my decision is final
i'm on my own

i wont die alone
because i have the hope inside

These words almost ring out like an athem to me.  It's like reading the Kahlia Declaration of Independence.

I agree that spell checking is important.  However, since all of your words are not in caps, it does not bother me that "I" is not in caps.  I guess it's a matter of personal preference.  However, Bobby has the voice of an experienced published poet behind him too.

Again, welcome.  I am glad that you are posting in Open as well as the other boards.

Alison

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural

4 posted 2009-01-26 11:15 AM

WELCOME TO PIP!

~Everyone here on Pip is special and Unique in their own way, Don't feel pressured to write perfectly, we are all here to learn and have fun!

ARCTIC WIND

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