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ziad
Junior Member

since 2009-05-23

Posts 15
London, England

0 posted 2009-05-25 01:33 AM

Open oceans,
hide behind
the hand of God,
lest be swallowed
by those,
those who blind
themselves
with open oceans.
As water turns thin…
flowing in bound circles
around our coffins.
They do not care, water,
merely shallow
at a feet of malign eyes. Beauty,
subjective to those who
pay for beauty. Those men
buy not freedom,
but tanks and metal.

Blood has been drawn
from my vane, and yours.
We have bled each other dry
and dropped the last insult.
Who burnt final veil?
Was it I?
We have bled each other dry
and turned into stone. For I
have no substance beyond that
I was given

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

1 posted 2009-05-25 06:24 AM

"Those men
buy not freedom,
but tanks and metal.

Blood has been drawn
from my vain, and yours.
We have bled each other dry"

~ Shaking my head at the senselessness of it all ~ and nodding in agreement with what you 'said'.

Peace, Love, & Harmony
EA

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

2 posted 2009-05-25 07:25 AM

This shows the same unusual and invigorating collisions and connections of language and ideas that your other two poems do, while perhaps not having quite the same cohesiveness.

You do however have a talent for creating thought provoking images and ideas, and that, in contemporary poetry, is half the battle.  So often today we see the same old cliched writing churned out over and over until it becomes meaningless pap.  Keep up what you are doing and you'll go very far.

Also, would you consider posting in Teen?  I think the people there would very much appreciate your contribution, and the turnover of poems isn't so fast as in Open, so you might get more attention.

Well done.

Rob

Oh btw, check the spelling of "vain".  And also I wondered why you apostrophised "God's" in the Title.

ziad
Junior Member

since 2009-05-23

Posts 15
London, England

3 posted 2009-05-25 10:58 AM

Yeah i realised...

I wrote this last night at 5am, so i messed up on the title a little... sorry.

Yeah i think i should post in teens. Thanks for the heads up

.

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