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leeler12
Junior Member

since 2009-04-29

Posts 15
Manchester, New Hampshire

0 posted 2009-05-07 05:34 PM

Please bear with me- i haven't written much in the past few years so I'm a bit rusty. This is still being worked on,a lot of the punctuation is off but i figured i would see if i could get any feed back on it before i finished it....

He sat there on the barstool, frozen
Mortified at what he’d done
She was 5 years old, too small to fight back
Too young to realize that, despite her fathers
Poisonous words, she had done nothing wrong
He tried to drink the thought away
Ignoring that it was the same devils drink
That had gotten him here in the first place
He looked around at all the empty faces
The ignorance demanded allegiance
As he felt crouched in narrow spaces
Drink after drink, intoxicated,
His anger had sobered. His guilt
Had diminished, as his fury had risen
The bartenders face spelled out his disgust
As he handed him the $28 tab, beers
were $2 on Thursdays. He stumbled home
ready for a fight, the lights were off,
the house a ghost town waiting to be discovered
a single note taped to the door “we’re free”. They had left,
Freed themselves from the pain they had learned to endure
He sat on the steps, the pain tearing at his heart
Like 10 thousand hack saws tearing him limb from limb
As he read and reread their declaration of independence.
He sat there, Frozen, as those venomous words replayed in his mind.
“Free”, it was the one thing, he would never be.

"you can't gain anything , until you try something"

Kaoru

Member Elite

since 2003-06-07

Posts 3892
where the wild flowers grow

1 posted 2009-05-07 05:41 PM

Wow, a painful beginning and a wonderful ending. People who hurt others also hurt themselves, they are human, they are fatally flawed.

Great first post and welcome to PiP!

leeler12
Junior Member

since 2009-04-29

Posts 15
Manchester, New Hampshire

2 posted 2009-05-07 07:06 PM

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it =)

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

3 posted 2009-05-11 02:14 PM

Painful and powerful... Welcome to Passions!!

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