»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #44
»
Untitled Song
| Open Poetry #44 |
|
Untitled Song |
|
|
KeyLimeSorbet Member
since 2008-03-05
Posts 74Colorado |
Be VERY critical on this for me, it is a VERY rough draft for a song i wrote and i need constructive criticism. I dont have a mic to record how the song goes, but hopefully i will soon. * -Parts i want to change but haven't found a fit ()-notes, subsitutions, and considerations for certain lines. I was just a little girl, and knew nothin' about this real world. And you were just in a little over your head. Then came the day that you *would* say, "I can't keep living my life this way; I'm doin the best i can, but it's not enough." Pack what you can, and leave all the rest, *We did just what you did* best- (We did just what suited you best) (We did just what would suit you best) We got outta that place as fast as we (bad word) could. You were wrong, but i was strong. I stood up to you, you said "we're through" *Too bad* i'm never sayin' sorry for tellin' you how i feel. We yell, we scream, it's like a bad dream. But i'm still not ready to wake up. This time it's gunna be me that doesn't say goodbye. Ten years pass, look how great you are. *Looks like you made it so far*(far as in well off) But guess who had to grow up all on their own. I was sad, alone, *lost in a way, Kept trying to run- Couldn't get away. You know it's your fault but you just can't take the shame. So i packed what i could, And left the rest, *I did just what you taught me best* I got outta that place as fast as i (bad word) could. You were wrong, but i was strong. I stood up to you, you said "we're through" *Too bad* i'm never sayin' sorry for tellin' you how i feel. We yell, we scream, it's like a bad dream. But i'm still not ready to wake up. This time it's gunna be me that doesn't say goodbye. Then you can tell me how it feels, to be left *it never heals* (it might not heal) (fast) Sure goodbye hurts, (slow+sylable emphasis) But nothing's worse that never saying anything. You were wrong, but i was strong. I stood up to you, you said "we're through" *Too bad* i'm never sayin' sorry for tellin' you how i feel. We yell, we scream, it's like a bad dream. But i'm still not ready to wake up. This time it's gunna be me that doesn't say goodbye. *Well this time i'm leaving and i'm not saying goodbye* |
||
| © Copyright 2009 Rachelle Sparks - All Rights Reserved | |||
WTBAKELAR
since 2008-09-09
Posts 1089Utah, USA |
Make it a duet, with whispers and Car horns. And please don't call it "I'm Leaving" No really, you have a good base to grow on, You can take a lot of ideas and or critisism and critique, but once you get started, you need to finish in order to make it your own. I have written many things, only to go back and change them over and over until I was happy with it. You will do the same. The key is: keep it your own! Tell the story from your experiences, those are the best. Good Luck, Tracey |
||
|
KeyLimeSorbet Member
since 2008-03-05
Posts 74Colorado |
Thank you, and i wont name it "im leaving" lol. I will definantly put a lot more work into it untill it is perfected. Let me know if you have any suggestions on ways that i can sort of read if diffferently or, percieve it differently so i can work on perfecting it. :-) thank you |
||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
Yeppers, you gotta make your emotions fit I can make suggestions, but it's your story, what do you want it to say? I have some web sites I'm going to email you  It might help you find the words you are looking for...  |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
