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Open Poetry #44
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the subway
| Open Poetry #44 |
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the subway |
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wynsunla New Member
since 2009-04-19
Posts 2 |
hi everyone.. i am new to this forum.. and this is my very first post..... critiques are welcome... it was close to prime time rush hour two kids rushing for the seat at the corner a conversation of concerns from the background and earphone music of loud rock n roll sounds the bell rings, the door closes, and north it went an iffy feeling surrounds the compartment workers chitin and chattin, students pacing in motion the PA statics with a female voice, "arriving at eglinton” the bell rings, the door opens and there she stands sparkling eyes, shinning hair with no ring on her hand black stiletto with matching black pencil skirt topped off with a simple white v neck t-shirt a lone seat across, between john and tom she sat the eyes pretend to glimpse up at the Bacardi ad rolling down not knowingly into her eyes within a milliseconds its lifts up to ceiling high the heart starts to race, beats and pounds sweats starts to build and tiny drips drops down the head tilts left, right, up and down, never center but the eyes quickly glazes over for another glimmer the PA statics again, “arriving at lawrence” she shuffles up her posture, but foot is constant the door opens and luckily quickly closes a sy of relief fills the beating heart with calmness the mind starts to run a plan of action “Hi, nice shoes, where did you buy them?” “Hi, you look familiar, do we know each other?" “hey wazzup, i like you, can i have your number?" the lips will never open even for a tiny whisper dreams starts to fill of a loving romantic future with fingers cross, prayers for her to initiate just maybe infront of everyone she'll ask u for a date the PA statics once again, "arriving at york mills" she positions up and the heart stands at a still as the door opens, and she steps closer and closer the dreams starts to fade away faster and faster with a final glance and feelings of good bye she tilts back and glazes at the eyes turns back and makes her way through the door and there she was and is no more the bell rings loudly, and the door shut tight she's dims smaller and smaller thru each door sight and when her figure quietly and calmly disappear the dreams gone, but the thoughts will stay with me wynsun |
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| © Copyright 2009 wynsunla - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Well I think this is a very good effort indeed. You've painted an interesting story which makes me want to read on and on, and the rhyme and slant rhyme is unobstrusive and natural. Good work ... and Welcome to Passions in Poetry  PS If you want critiques you will need to think about changing your critique message from "no" to "yes" in the managing your profile screen. All the best. Rob |
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wynsunla New Member
since 2009-04-19
Posts 2 |
thank for you kinda remarks.... i am a beginner writer and will continue to write... and be part of this wondering community.... ps: thanks for the little hint.. visit my blog |
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