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Open Poetry #44
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Shame
| Open Poetry #44 |
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Shame |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams 
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Shame A muse kissed too many boys And now even angels laugh At the girl who's head is now Distant and never around In chains: she faces the mirror Forced to see the woman Through everyone else's eyes And contemplates destiny Her eyes gaze for hard objects Which will smash that reflection She wonders if this is her And why she stands out like that She'd unconditionally Love the man who'd accept her -Juju -Juju -"So you found a girl Who thinks really deep thoughts What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos [This message has been edited by Juju (04-07-2009 12:14 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2009 Juju - All Rights Reserved | |||
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gdcod2player Member
since 2008-07-26
Posts 117 |
very very nice it gives me an image of a girl that feels unaccepted but by one man |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo dear Juju, I think this is a problem faced my many beautiful women. This is excellently deep work. Love Bobby |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Poetic Goodness!  ARCTIC WIND |
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Raindance Member
since 2009-02-07
Posts 120West Coast |
Very good "in touch" expression. |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
By all means, smash the reflection because it's a lie. I enjoyed this proto-sonnet. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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i_am_patch! Member
since 2008-06-24
Posts 108manila, philippines |
this is exactly how i feel right now.. ouch ouch ouch----- your poem. it makes me wanna cry. "omnia vincit amor" |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
I like the shift in emphasis when you get to the last two lines. It helps me look back on the previous lines in a new light, and get beyond the sense of the speaker feeling stuck there by undercutting the shame a bit and asserting a sense of pride and identity, almost like saying, Yeah, I did make a bunch a choices I wasn't so thrilled with, but this is where I really live. I really want this single substantial thing in my life. This is who I am. That shift makes the poem solid. What would help it out a bit further is some more concrete detail. The third and fourth lines, for example, use "head" and "distant' in ways that make sense by don't give us pictures or any sort of physical sense of what's actually happening. You miss a chance to ground the thing in physical detail that would give your readers more of a picture or feel and bring them inside the poem. This happens a few other places as well, and it's something worth working on in general. But this poem overall is a big step for you, and is worth being pleased about. Happily, Bob Kaven |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
A big step aye? I never thought you read my poetry Bob. -Juju |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Yes, I do; I thought this one was worth some comment and encouragement because your concentration, your imagery, and the depth of your feeling does show an advance over the usual stuff. It makes the deep thoughts business at the end of your postings seem more out of place. And it's a turn away from rage and bitterness into something to feels transformative. It has its flaws, too, which I noted. It's most notable, I think for the depth of it's feeling and for the unpredictable nature of the feeling that you express here. I really had the sense, whether it's true or not, that you were able to surprise yourself in the same way you surprised me with that final step into that particular set of feelings. In fact, I was so curious about your response that I went back to check to see if you'd replied today, on the 15th, after the poem was off the board. Sincerely, Bob Kaven |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
there's a distant melancholy to this...this part is too deep for a casual reading and, as such, I think I will need to meditate on this for a bit: "In chains: she faces the mirror Forced to see the woman Through everyone else's eyes And contemplates destiny" |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Actually, I do sometimes. I included some more specific stuff in a note last night, but apparently it hasn't made it in. I thought the critique was useful and appropriate, but perhaps another reader disagreed? Unless the piece is lost in space someplace. you never know. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
*exhale* It was enough to read your title... you are very intriguing yanno. |
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