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Open Poetry #44
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growing up - 2nd revision
| Open Poetry #44 |
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growing up - 2nd revision |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
I can fling the table hanging in the arc bound by my combat boots and Jim’s frangible jaw, who cares about the lobster? My father seeks to coax his friend to “let it go,” not for my sake but that of mother who witnesses the scene in silence: two unflinching peregrines gauging their pending pitches, their stark stares molded by cold years Of sweat and bruises learning martial arts. I could not stay, so mom drives me to town where I will spend the weekend, after our visit to Carl in prison. As we cross the bridge, I think I have forgotten, in our hurry, Mimi ( that’s my teddy bear ) out in the yard, and hope I won’t find tracks of their loud Harleys’ wheels imprinted on its chest. I ask my mom why Carl’s in jail, she says he’s shot a man. I know Carl’s good. He’s always kind, and happy to see me. The dining table is no longer where we share our bread. It’s filled with empty cans of beer, the room is filled with smoke. Jim’s hand clamps on my throat, I punch and kick and bite to be released, and to escape as he hunts me down in the icy darkness. I will hide behind the vacant house across the cemetery, to safely spend the night. I stare, real calm and ready for the fight. After long minutes, Jim steps back, then lowers his eyes and sits, without breathing a word. I know. He knows. We all know I’ve become a man, to be reckoned with. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Marc-Andre Germain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
I guess I am a poor one to critique. I like the story. I find the first verse a complicated read now. It's hard to get right into the story because the reader's mind is having difficulty to analyze and explain the scenes. Then there's the musical matter of rhythm, poetic meter etc. that sometimes makes the lines choppy and lacking flow because of the struggle to make them rhythmic and properly metered if you can understand that. However, that's just me. There's only so much you can do and personally I think this type of heart rending family story is poor material for context that consists of parts intricately combined. The clearer the better. I know I'm probably wrong and most will disagree because many are trying to hone their poetic skills. Considering first person, reporting, order of events etc. I agree these things are important and a review of applications is always educating. You're such a good writer why not write about Greek Mythology or some material like that. Make this one plain and straightforward simple but yet appealing more to the heart than the mind. A few may miss the point of this window into family reality. That's sad too. I'd write this one like Mike Mack would do it because of the material. However, as I have stated, just my opinion and I'm wrong most of the time. Just my humble opinion Mark. Take care. Eric |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Thanks Eric, your honest feedback is highly appreciated here. That’s the sort of piece I’d love to sit down to work upon over a bottle of port on the New England coast with you and Bobby. The two difficulties, besides the limitations of my own writing style, lie in the different settings of the piece & its non-linear chronology, and in the autobiographic material (slightly distorted for the sake of simplicity.) It still needs more work, and I, the exercise. I’m beginning to consider trying to write this one in free verse, perhaps after some time spent on imitation of Charles Bukowski(I sometimes pick out a poet and try to imitate their style as a writing workout.) I guess the “peregrines” will have to go; I’ll try to find another niche for my little darlings  Mark |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
I think this story done in free verse would be a look from an interesting perspective. I'll look for it. Eric |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Marc-Andre - h'mmmmm, not quite sure about the flow of this one. I agree with most of ethome's remarks though... BC |
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