Making a meal of it (critiques welcome)

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Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

0 posted 2009-03-18 11:49 PM

She pushed rejection like a plate
across the table, insistent
that I have my cake
and eat it, like a good boy.
There were no sweets for seconds,
just cold fudge for hours,
coalescing on sharp lips
with a side order,
the hard shoulder, of beef
with a peppercorn grin.
Filleted I floundered as she left.
I’m cured or skewered
Check please.

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

1 posted 2009-03-19 12:01 PM

Filleted I floundered..you're too much!

tao power
Member

since 2009-02-24

Posts 109

2 posted 2009-03-19 01:30 AM

I intended to give this poem a critique, but after reading it, I can only bow. Good job.

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

3 posted 2009-03-19 02:54 PM

Well, Grinch... you probably know me well enough by now to know I'd rather go to the dentist than give or get a critique. *G* But I loved this... every line of it!!!

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

4 posted 2009-03-19 06:54 PM

I was a bit hesitant to smile, since I'm not certain if this was meant to be funny or not.

But um, okayyyyyyy...I'll give you the first thought that came to me:

"And reputation has it that the British cook bland food."

If that cliche' holds up to truth, you just broke the aspic mold. *chuckles and hugs*

And this is an interesting format from you...

I apologize for not getting back to the forum sooner too--a Fed Ex truck wiped out the electrical power to my home.

(Howzzat for...would that be irony?)

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

5 posted 2009-03-19 07:59 PM

Thanks for the replies

Deer
Tao
Suthern

Feel free to critique I really need help with this.

Karen,

Laugh, cry - either’s ok

I was in the CA post and someone mentioned possible help with free-verse which is a format I’ve always had a problem with. I jumped the gun and 30 minutes later out popped this..whatever it is.

So how do I fix it?

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

6 posted 2009-03-19 10:33 PM

Really?

grin...

well, since you asked

lose the simile

First line

no "like"

"She pushed the plate meant for the dogs"

but you won't ask me to re-write it for you, right?

*wince*

I can't do that.

a. You are too good.

b. I'm too unqualified.

I could go on, but why don't you try following our mentor, Bob Dylan.

"the sun ain't yellow--it's chicken."

Free yourself up darlin'.

(Have you ever seen Bull Durham?)

I'm not suggesting you breathe through your eyelids and wear garter belts and stockings, but if it frees you up?

Why NOT?

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

7 posted 2009-03-20 01:12 AM

Now for something different eh?!

What a hoot and a half!

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

8 posted 2009-03-20 02:17 AM

I have a weakness for good sarcasm, this fills the bill and made me smile.
Ida

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

9 posted 2009-03-20 02:56 PM

quote:
but you won't ask me to re-write it for you, right?

WRONG!

I’d appreciate it if you did, I’m a firm believer that having an example is the easiest way to understand what someone’s talking about. And when it comes to free verse I really don’t know what the heck I’m doing.

Re-write away - it’ll really help me learn if you did.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

10 posted 2009-03-21 08:07 PM

Well, since you asked:

She pushed a plate
across the table, insistent

that I have my cake
and eat it like a good boy.

just cold fudge
coalescing on lips

with a side order,
the hard shoulder, of beef

with peppercorn.
Filleted I floundered as she left.

I’m cured or skewered.

Check please.

There you go: At any rate, I saw a different tone than your original. Don't if it's better, just different.

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

11 posted 2009-03-21 08:25 PM

Thanks Brad - that's very useful, just the sort of thing I was looking for.

Less steak knife - more scalpel - yes I can see the sense in that.

TheAnonDavid
Member

since 2008-08-28

Posts 237
UK

12 posted 2009-03-21 08:28 PM

I am the last person in the world to offer constructive critique on free verse as I don't attempt to write it. However, I can only say how much I enjoyed the sustained and cleverly applied metaphor running through this piece.

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas

http://stores.lulu.com/davidmm

Boshii2
Member

since 2009-02-01

Posts 146

13 posted 2009-03-24 06:02 AM

what a great piece.I too ,bow. Boshii2

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

14 posted 2009-03-24 06:23 AM

YOURS:

She pushed rejection like a plate
across the table, insistent
that I have my cake
and eat it, like a good boy.
There were no sweets for seconds,
just cold fudge for hours,
coalescing on sharp lips
with a side order,
the hard shoulder, of beef
with a peppercorn grin.
Filleted I floundered as she left.
I’m cured or skewered
Check please.

* * *

Okay. (I just like to know in advance, seein' how things get all discombobulated.

* * *

OURS:

She pushed the plate with her forepaw;
she et the kibbles that were spent--
licking at her loss, she sent
dinner back, at my expense,
laughing at dessert, she ate
as they wrapped the rest in foil.

We left with awkward distances
as she clasped her swan's recoil,
bending at the neck
and swill
tilting her wine glass
in tongues
I still don't understand.

* * *

*shrug*

Just off the top of m'head.

I feel bashful. (and I don't mean like, in a dwarf.)

grin

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

15 posted 2009-03-25 02:43 PM

geez...Did I tick you off or somethin'?

I don't think mine's BETTER, lovie, I was just havin' fun, and considered it tailoring to suit me.

I think yer quite brilliant yanno.

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

16 posted 2009-03-25 04:18 PM

quote:
geez...Did I tick you off or somethin'?

You made me smile if that counts.

Yours is much better than my original, you turned my dogs dinner of a poem into a poem of a dogs dinner and did it so well. I’ve cut and pasted it and intend to mentally digest it, hopefully it’ll give me some good pointers as to how to improve my free verse.

Thanks Karen

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

17 posted 2009-03-25 04:52 PM

aw...

You are such a gentleman and a gentle man.

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