Blueberries and moonbeam dreams

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Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

0 posted 2009-03-04 03:16 PM

I touched the night,
and it was soft and cool
to my fingers.
It tasted of blueberries,

in swirled moonlit cream.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2009-03-04 03:38 PM

Nan, this is lovely.

As for construction suggestion, I would probably have changed it a slight bit...

you're already going for conciseness in the body, so you could probably lose a word or two:

quote:
I touched the night,
it was soft and cool
to my fingers.
It tasted of blueberries,

in swirled moonlit cream

But, that is just a suggestion as I have a poet/friend/editor who is constantly striking my "ands"...

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

2 posted 2009-03-04 03:51 PM

Thank you so much, girl. I considered doing it without the 'and' because I tend to use too many. But it seemed too staccato (sp?) without it. Let's see what other people think about the flow with and without, and I expect I'll let the majority rule.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

3 posted 2009-03-04 04:01 PM

Oh, I like blueberries and this write!
It is tight, yet says so much.
Either way, 'and' or not...it's a tasty piece.

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

4 posted 2009-03-04 04:07 PM

Hi Pilgrim,

I never get these short poems......

Okay, this is my take, but don't mind me cause I have no idea what's going on here.

I touched the night,
soft and cool
to my fingers.
It tasted of blueberries

swirled in moonbeam cream.

hmmmm, Yeah, I kinda think without the "and" as well.

turtle

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

5 posted 2009-03-04 04:56 PM

Turtle tightened it up even more.

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

6 posted 2009-03-04 05:00 PM

Well, duh.
Why didn't I think of that?

Touch the night.
Soft and cool,
it tastes of blueberries

swirled in moonlit cream.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

7 posted 2009-03-04 05:04 PM

Well, I think the imagery of fingers reaching to touch added something to it.

Wish you were here to attend
Prairie Inkwells writing group with us!!!

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

8 posted 2009-03-04 08:30 PM

Oh, I love this, Nan. It speaks volumes with a few simple words,
Ida

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-25

Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

9 posted 2009-03-04 09:36 PM

Nan,

This is a very tasty poem. I like blueberries, I used to pick them on a hill on a farm I was staying, and worked at. They made it almost fun, for awhile.

Bobby

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

10 posted 2009-03-05 09:53 AM

You're right, I've lost my fingers, haven't I? This will take thought. Last night I tried it several ways, but nothing was good enough. Sigh. I wish I was HERE and could participate in your workshop. Why don't you move? The whole pip-bunch could move and I'd have a much fuller social schedule. Ida, thank you so much! Bobby, I stayed on my Grandma's farm for a couple of weeks when I was seven. I churned butter and I swear my arms fell off. Well, they felt like it. And she sent me out to gather eggs. Once. But I'm a bigger chicken than any of her homicidal hens were, so she didn't repeat that mistake.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

11 posted 2009-03-05 08:18 PM

Dear Nan, this is perfect. The "and" is not needed, I agree with Karilea.

In its shortness it emits wonderful visions and brings emotions!

Love,
Margherita

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

12 posted 2009-03-13 12:00 PM

Well, Prairie Inkwells would fit in Texas,
that's for sure.

Maybe we could fit you in by
computer.

I've been thinking about moving that way...
only because y'all don't have as much winter
as we do up here!

So, what are you going to do about those fingers?

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

13 posted 2009-03-13 12:21 PM

Brush the night
with fingertips;
soft and cool,
it tastes of blueberries

swirled in moonlit cream.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

14 posted 2009-03-14 09:29 PM

You have me wanting to step outside and touch. *S* Beautiful work... and fascinating to watch the evolution. *S*

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

15 posted 2009-03-16 10:45 AM

Thanks girl! It's so good to hear from you.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

16 posted 2009-03-18 04:20 AM

Touch the night.
Soft and cool,
it tastes of blueberries

swirled in moonlit cream.

......

Present tense immediacy, delightful imperative - this is my favourite version.

Chock full of images and sensory feasts, and not one Nan speciality polysyllabic latinate adjective!

Very nice indeed.

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

17 posted 2009-03-18 11:30 AM

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural

18 posted 2009-03-18 11:40 AM

I really liked this ~ Beautiful Words Pilgrimage...

ARCTIC WIND

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