"I Saw her" - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

olijay
Junior Member

since 2009-03-01

Posts 14
San Francisco!

0 posted 2009-03-01 11:49 AM

Hey all, this is my first time posting, and ive only been writing poetry for a few months now so if anyone could give me any advice it would be welcome. I admit to not having any idea of what im doing in advance.

And yes, i saw there was a category for discussion, but i thought I'd wait til i have an idea of what im doing before i venture in there.
I hope this poem is considered "G",

"I saw her"

I drove by
Her.
The most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
It was like someone slipped 3D glass over my eyes.
I could see her
x-ray beauty.
dyed black Barbie doll hair.
Barbie doll skin
But
Without the suntan.

her eyes,
were like the earth, and her butt,
and other
big round things.

I wanted to park the car.
And say “hey”.
“im oliver”.
or something to that extent
maybe pepper in some
“your most beautiful girl ive ever seen”’s
in there too

a nanosecond of passing
her
To fantasize
Of choking her
With my affection
Until my love dripped from the corner of
her lips

she was surrounded by her followers
like plants trying to grow their way out of the shade
on top of each other
for that last bit of sunlight
all worshipping her like mayans on the temple
and the sun god
pining for
her
I wanted to be one of them
And
pine for her

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

1 posted 2009-03-01 01:01 PM

Welcome, Oliver, to Pip!

quote:
like plants trying to grow their way out of the shade
on top of each other
for that last bit of sunlight

This was really lovely!

And I learned a new expression "to pine for", the German equivalent sounds good to be used in such a situation.

Love,
Margherita

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

2 posted 2009-03-01 01:10 PM

Welcome Oliver

I like the same line Margharita liked.
This seems to get better and more intense as it runs toward the end and that's a good thing.

I suppose if you made it real complicated you could call it
.
.
Oliver Twist
.
.
.
But then that would be just silly. Forgive me for that.

Eric

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2009-03-01 01:29 PM

Welcome to Passions, Sir!

Please, check your email for a
Very Special Greeting!

" It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

4 posted 2009-03-01 02:16 PM

olijay - enjoyed reading this...

BC

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

5 posted 2009-03-01 03:11 PM

Welcome to Pips.
Ditto for the 'plants' line cited by others...it's cool.

olijay
Junior Member

since 2009-03-01

Posts 14
San Francisco!

6 posted 2009-03-01 03:54 PM

thank you guys for the comments, its always interesting to get anothers perspective besides your own, like i liked that line about the plants, but i was surprised to see that it was everyone else's favorite as well.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.