navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #1 » Colour of my love (critique please)
Teen Poetry #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Colour of my love (critique please) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Spartacus
Junior Member
since 1999-09-27
Posts 13


0 posted 1999-09-27 02:05 AM


I wrote this poem about the love of a lifetime that I've yet to find. I used a unique aproach by looking at unknown love through the eyes of a painter. I hope you like it.

Colour of my love

I'll paint my mood in shades of blue,
Fade my soul to be with you,
I'll sketch your lips in shaded tones,
Draw your mouth to my own,
I'll wave your arms around my waist,
Then all doubt I shall erase,
I'll smear a hand to wipe your tears,
And a look to calm your fears,
A silhouette of dark and light,
While we hold each other tight,
I'll dab the sun to warm your heart,
Swearing that we'll never part,
That's the colour of my love,
I'll paint the truth to show how I feel,
Try to make you completely real,
I'll use a brush so light and fine,
To draw you close and make you mine,
I'll dot the stars in the evening sky,
Bring their light into your eyes,
I'll trace your hand to hold in mine,
Then a kiss to remember the time,
I'll draw the years all passing by,
So much to learn so much to try,
And with this ring our lives will start,
Swearing that we'll never part,
I offer you what you cannot buy,
Devoted love even after we die.
That's the colour of my love.

Feel free to comment about anything you think I need help with or would like to suggest. Thanks.

Tim



------------------
Amor Vincit Omnia:
Love Conquers All

© Copyright 1999 Spartacus - All Rights Reserved
Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........
1 posted 1999-09-27 05:35 AM


Great poem, I loved the way you made it from a painters view. unique aproach. I wouldn't change a thing.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

Maitay
Member
since 1999-07-16
Posts 158
Sisters,OR,USA
2 posted 1999-09-27 10:58 AM


That was a totally truthfull poem and I loved the way you worded it. He was right, don't change a thing.

------------------
~The price of finding love is to eventually lose it. When I wish on a falling star, I wish not for material goods but to show kindness to others and be content with what the world may offer me~

~Maitay Mirabel Litton~



[This message has been edited by Maitay (edited 09-27-1999).]

chollagrl4
Member
since 1999-08-10
Posts 65
brick
3 posted 1999-09-27 03:30 PM


this is a really creative poem
*~*butterfly*~*
Junior Member
since 1999-07-26
Posts 28
minnesota
4 posted 1999-09-27 11:39 PM


that was the most romantic poem i have ever read!! seriously i loved it, you are very good at writing!!! keep it up

------------------
"Rely on your instincts and trust your heart."
--unknown
~*~*~butterfly~*~*~

Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap
5 posted 1999-09-27 11:49 PM


You have shown love to be what it truly is: a work of art. This poem is beautiful ... your imagery is well-constructed and your theme flows perfectly.

VERY well done!

Nocht

------------------
"Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus"
(Now as I hear this bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.")


Mark4Him@juno.com
Junior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 36
Whitesboro,NY,USA
6 posted 1999-09-28 12:18 PM


It was really a beautiful poem,it almost made me wish I was the one in the painting.I often write poems about the one I know is in my future.It's great to know I'm not alone.It was lovely,emotional,and I wouldn't recommend that you change a thing.You have a talent I envy.

by the way,where'd you get the idea for your username?is that from the movie 'that thing you do'?

By the way,my name's Melissa(despite the user name)

[This message has been edited by Mark4Him@juno.com (edited 09-28-1999).]

[This message has been edited by Mark4Him@juno.com (edited 09-28-1999).]

Spartacus
Junior Member
since 1999-09-27
Posts 13

7 posted 1999-09-28 01:13 AM


Thanks for all the great comments. I really am quite hard on my poetry as far as critiqing goes. I never think that any of my poetry is any good. My friends at my high school said it was great, but I just figured that they HAD to say it because they were my friends. I really am glad to hear that everyone likes the poem. I'll soon put up some more of my love poetry. That's basically all that I write.

To Melissa: HI, yes actually I'm a drummer. I fell in love with the movie 'That Thing You Do' so I just decided to borrow the nickname. I thought about Skitch, but I didn't think anyone would pick up on it.

Once again, thanks for all the great compliments. I hope that all my poetry can somehow touch everyone's heart.

Tim



------------------
Amor Vincit Omnia:
Love Conquers All

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural
8 posted 2007-11-13 07:39 PM


Enjoyed

ARCTIC WIND

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #1 » Colour of my love (critique please)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary