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advice about a girl - HELP!
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advice about a girl - HELP! |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
i have not been able to "connect" with a girl in 5 years - since high school to be exact; but that is a different story. i am a "super senior" meaning i am taking an extra year for my BA. a friend of mine graduated last year. she was one of my closer friends, but somehow there was always a distance between us i never understood. we have been in tenuous contact since graduation but this weekend we went to the U2 concert (which was awesome by the way) with another friend. she called me thursday evening because the logistics had changed a bit, and we just talked and talked and talked. we talked for 2 hours, she got a call from her mom took it, then called me back and we talked for another hour. and suddenly i realized i missed her more than I missed any of my friends who had left. and then when I saw her she looked really good. but there seems to be an awkwardness between us when there are other people around. and she won't hug me even though i know her better than other people - she seems hesitant around me. now i confess i am a bit of a stiff, i am a scientist to be and undergrad group leader - i am used to physics and giving orders. i can handle people, groups, my superiors, and dhs, but this woman has me in convulsions. now, the stickey wicket is i would like to see if there could be more to our relationship, but i don't want to mess up being friends. how can evaluate her state and predict a reaction? is the awkwardness because I am a shmuck, or because she is also worried yet attracted? i have no idea how to read, understand, or get women. i have been taught what to do with one but never the method of acquisition. any help would be appreciated. cheers, i know i am getting plastered after this shpeel. -majnu |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Predict? The awkwardness you feel may very well be the chemical reaction between the two of you. You are a poet, and a scientist - what a marvelous mixture of abilities and talents! It may be time to put away the strict structure of your life a little, however, and relax around this wonderful person who pitches you off your pins. Sounds to me like you've got the right idea - all of that talking is going to lead the two of you into knowing each other better. And while you're engaged in conversations, slip in, now and then, what you are looking forward to in the next 5, 10, 15 years. See if any of your plans correlate with hers. If the two of you see a number of similarities building, perhaps your conversations will then take on a more personal, intimate tone. I do wish you well...  |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
LOL I don't know that you could predict any woman....  I like what Sunshine said....and I have to tell you, there is no better foundation for a long term, loving relationship than friendship.  good luck. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
"how can evaluate her state and predict a reaction?" #1. don't even try to evaluate, just listen and accept  #2. love is more chemistry, poetry, and psychology (all rolled together) than physics But don't listen to me about Love and Relationships 101. I failed that subject. Physical attractions are great, but to me, open honest friendship and trust has to be the foundation of any relationship....unless of course, a basically physical fun time is all you are seeking. I grew up with many friends/family who never demonstrated affection in public....."old school" customs. Don't worry about her reluctance to hug in front of others. Be concerned if she refuses your hug in private. LOL, it may mean 1. she isn't ready 2. she isn't really interested (I doubt that is the case though) This is an atypically analytical reply for me  HUGS to you Aw hell, just relax and enjoy the moments with her! |
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bslicker
since 2000-12-04
Posts 2321state of mind |
majnu my friend, now i am going to qoute you. "i have no idea how to read, understand, or get women." now my comment no man does, ever will, or should even try. bernie A smile a day keeps the world in smile's. |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
quote: I think that's a bit like saying you want to win big at the roulette table, but would prefer not to risk any of your own money. From my experience, it doesn't seem to work that way. You don't have to mess up your friendship. You do, I think, have to be willing to change it. Just as importantly, perhaps, you have to be willing to let her KNOW you're ready to take that step. Feint heart n'er won fair maiden . . . |
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Ringo
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
All of these replies are fabulous, and it kinda irritates me that I can't offer anything more than a somple "talk to her" and ask her what the deal is. As her why she holds back and what is going on with her. DON'T tell her your feelings until you know for positive as not to scare her off... Then again, I'm just as clueless as any man. I hope it goes the way you would have it. They took pictures of our dreams |
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gemjop Member Elite
since 2002-11-18
Posts 2587Pencilveinia, USA |
I have to say, your post was one of the cutest things I've read in a long while. 'sticky wicket' haven't heard that in ages! You sound like a real gent. And a very genuine, intelligent person, despite your lack of know how in the women reading department. ha, I'm joking but, you know, can people even read their own sex? I definitely can't even read some of the women i know, and I'm a woman. People are just, confusing, male or female in my opinion! But, It's looking good, I'd say. Trust me, I'm a psychologist to be! You said: we talked for 2 hours, she got a call from her mom took it, then called me back and we talked for another hour. She definitely wants to talk, possibly get to know you more, catch up? Either way, it seems she may have missed you as much as you missed her. So she's hesitant around you, she won't make physical contact with you. Now, she's a close friend, so we know she likes you, so it seems unlikely that she won't hug you because she doesn't like you (because she does!)or that she finds you threatening/unattractive. Like you say, your behaviour towards her is non threatening, but maybe she interprets your body language as distant and so follows suit? In my experience though, people avoid contact as a means of an emotional barrier. So it could well be that she likes you and doesn't want to let on. fear of rejection? But then maybe she's someone who just doesn't like touching? I have a friend who hates me hugging her, at first i stupidly took offense, but then realised, it's not me she doesn't like. I had a similar relationship to you, with one of my best male friends. He would never hug me, sit near me infact, even though we were so close, but that was all down to the fact that he liked me and I liked him. Nothing came of it, but if you 'investigate' your situation you may have better luck than me! All in all, sounds promising. Take it slowly, and there's no need to put your friendship in troubled water if you just go about it the right way. Make an effort with her, let her know you want to spend time with her and see where that goes. If you never try, you'll regret it! Love Gemma, (whose love life is in tatters and should take her own advice!) haha! |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
quote: these are some of the absolute greatest lines ever written on pip lol have to say Ron makes a great point. you'll simply can't make the aquisition(you may want to use another word when speaking to her) without taking a chance. and i say this bracing for the deluge of email from people who know me here calling me a hypocrite. i say talk/hang out a few more times before and be sure how you feel while at the same time better gauging how she might feel before you make the plunge. |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
I am reminded somehow of Sienfeld -- the 'this, that, and the 'other'' episode. Once you cross over into the 'other' -- look out. Since you can look at the science aspect of it -- a relationship is heavily influenced by brain chemistry -- you need to jumpstart the flow of endorphins and PEA (if they are already working for her -- sounds like the reaction you got to seeing her means you're already getting a chemical bond going there.) Take in an activity that's going to increase both of your adrenaline levels -- a trip to a theme park with roller coasters and the like -- or maybe a scary movie. At the very least you'll have a good time with a friend -- if she's more than a friend -- it will set the mood up nicely. (back to taxes I go -- I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go! ) |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
thank you all for your kind words and for your advice. fate seems to conspire against me. we went to another show, this time a got a hug and excitement. she got into a grad program that is going to take her to SoCal. talk about nipping something in the bud. perhaps soemthing could have been done if we already had a closer relationship, but now she is in full prep mode and I am the friend who she calls for advice on moving away from home. whether it is cowardice, nobility, or a mixture of both, I can't pursue her now. this is what she has wanted for all her 21 years; who the hell am I to get in her way. however, any advice on how to engage is remote relationship sabotage in the event someone catches her eye? cheers. -majnu -------------------------------------- Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet. |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
why on Earth would you not tell her how you feel? Why would you let this be a 'could have' would have' ' should have' ? Those are the worst ever....one is too many. Tell her how you feel, maybe a long distance relationship could work? Can you go to So Cal? If nothing else, you won't have any regrets. You aren't asking her to stay by telling her how you feel. Maybe if you do, then things could work out, if not now, then later down the road. It's worth it. Isn't it? |
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