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I've made such a mess.....
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I've made such a mess..... |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
It started when I did something stupid. Oh well, not a problem. It only affects me, and I don't really care. The problem is that I knew I should care. I told a few people, one of which is one of my best friends. She also is very good at making me realise my guilt. However, she was, to say the least, not impressed, and at this point, I'm quite sure that she hates me. She's been venting about me on the internet. Not about me directly all the time.... but I'm not stupid, either. At this point I've hit rock bottom and started digging. I love her more than life itself, and I know that in itself that's a problem, but it's too late to change it now. I won't tarnish her memory with anger and bitterness, and once she's really gone, well.... I'll have immortalized her. When people are taken from me that tends to happen. Unfortunately, we're both hurting. I don't know how badly she is feeling right now, but I don't really want to. I feel guilty enough as it is, and I'm just too depressed to deal with anything that might make me feel worse. I'm listless, melancholy and depressed, I spend most of my time staring into space and listening to My Immortal (Evanescence). I've hardly spoken a word since she left, and even replying to poetry is a huge effort for me. I'm not even talking to my friends online, and that's saying something.... The worst part is that I know there's nothing I can do.... just wait it out. Thanks for listening.... I needed to get that out. It's festering inside me, and it hurts.... My gosh it hurts.... Kielo wounded and broken and hurting.... what scares me is that I'm starting to just not care, except that I wish I could cry the pain away.... [This message has been edited by Kielo (08-23-2003 08:46 PM).] |
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Lisann Member
since 2001-01-31
Posts 350 |
you and i are in the same boat.........i too hurt someone very deeply in this way.....and so far, it does not appear as though she is ready to forgive. And i can relate to the love you feel for her as well. I hope it works out for you. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hugs, Ki. I know.  |
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KristieSue
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460PA, US |
Kielo, I've been there...and even though it feels like someone is ripping your heart out through your guts...well, all I can say is Time is the answer. I'm not going to give you a bull line like "Time heals all wounds" cause it doesn't all the time. If it did, I would have many different things in my life that I've lost and had taken from me. Just pray that your friend realizes the pain you are feeling...express that to her, and forgive yourself for whatever you've done. No one on this earth deserves to pay for anything forever... huggles... Failure isn't failure if a lesson from it is learned ~ KS |
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Wind
since 2002-10-12
Posts 2981 |
K..the song says it all. I'm sure you've tryed appologizing and thats rarely what works. I don't know her and I don't 'know' you, so I couldn't tell you what is best. I just hope that you will feel better or that something will fix your tragety. insanity is not a crime |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Well for once I'm innocent *bugs* I hope things are okay |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
She's not coming back. How do I know? I just do. It's been too long. I've lost her for good, and I'm bitter. I was wrong, earlier. I'm bitter. For the first time in my life I find that I don't trust people, and that I'm second guessing my close friends. For the first time I'm trying to keep my list of friends small. I can count them on one hand, or, ideally I could. I'm being irritable and rude to people, which is entirely unlike me. I lied to someone who until today I considered a friend, and I never lie to friends. Why do I not consider her a friend anymore? Because I'm not sure I can trust her, and because she doesn't really care. She doesn't need me. This isn't normal for me, and while I'm doing it purposely, it scares me. *sigh* I'm still digging. Someone pass me the jackhammer. Kielo Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. |
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teenpoet Member
since 2001-10-17
Posts 280Michigan |
Oh hun....I'm sorry for you, I hurt for you. I hope things start looking up. It's hard to lose a friend, especially a close one. But you can't go and alienate all your other friends. When you do that you soon end up with nobody and that's worse than anything I know of. I've done it before so I can contest to what I'm saying. Good luck hun.... Let go of your concept of reality and try mine for a while...then we'll see how long you last. |
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mytuesdaywishes Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 254a voice from the musicbox |
my best friend left me the same way for something i never did, and we never do so with harsh intent...we never do so harsh, we never mean to lose the world...we never mean to. we have cried, we have lived. and even when everything was wrong, and we were mad at the world, it was still beautiful. |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
hey, you know this happens, and it is hard...all of it, don't let anyone ever tell you any part of it is easy, but it will get better, i do promise that...like my mother always said...'this too shall pass' "For those who understand you, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, none is possible." |
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