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I used to think....................
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I used to think.................... |
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ambermize Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 157California 
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I used to think... that letting go meant losing, and leaving meant that time would stop exactley where I stood. Without you, I was no one, and my life would end, the day you didnt love me anymore. But now I see...... that not everything is forever, and you can't hold on to something that was never really yours. Despite the ring on my finger, and our one year old son. These things dont make a marriage, and they dont make me who I am. I still wonder...... sometimes late at night, what you're thinking.And I catch myself slipping, into that comfort zone I created. Where pretending was good enough, and tommorow didnt matter, as long as you were lying next to me at night.But then the nights grew cold and lonely, and I forgot what it meant to truly be in love. I used to blame you...... Becuase you couldnt just grow up enough to need me. You couldnt realize how beautiful I actually was. And all the while I let you make me believe that I wasn't anymore. I believed that I was useless if I couldnt make you happy. Then I blamed myself..... For staying as long as I did, when I knew I couldnt change you. For loving as much as I did, when I knew it would only hurt in the long run. For forcing your son on you, when I could have just walked away. And I see you, and it kills me to know, that I cant take care of you anymore, despite how much you want me to. I took my rings off sometime ago......... And now I thank you, for letting me go. For hurting me the way you did. I grew up loving you, from just 14 years old. And you taught me a lot. You taught the difference between wanting, and being used to the way someone makes you feel. Between needing, and pretending that fairytales would make everything okay. The differenc between missing a person, and feeling like you failed in making them who they should be.Between trusting someone and believing just becuase it is easier then facing the truth. And I realize you were right........ I am better off without you. Anyone else ever been there???? [This message has been edited by ambermize (05-16-2002 07:29 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 amber mize - All Rights Reserved | |||
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
To that extreme, no, but my original reason for joining passions all that time ago was to help get over a girl whom I thought ah'd spend m' life with. Those who were here in the positively ancient year of 2000 will remember I didn't take to that reality very well....... But you obviously have. Much love and support to you.  Mike She said burn ... together. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
quote:AMEN sister!  |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
ditto Chris's response. |
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ambermize Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 157California |
I must say I do remember, enjoyed your writing very much. I have changed my name since then but I joined back in 2000, it was just amber then. I dont think a lot of people realize how long I have been around! Well thanks so much for listnen', always nice to come back after bein' gone awhile! |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Wow, I remember you! I guess ah'm one of the brave few who only has had one name for the life of passions. She said burn ... together. |
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MIdsummerRain Member
since 2002-05-19
Posts 175St. Louis, Missouri |
:::NoDs WhIlE SiGhInG::: The strands in your eyes |
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CowgirlFreedom17 Member
since 2002-05-20
Posts 82Mississippi |
I am only 17, but that essay really touched me. I'm a very affectionate person and I just recently got out of a bad relationship of 2 years. I started blaming and thinking and everything WAY out of hand...and then I realized, although it hurt me, it taught me a lot and it helped me mature. Now I understand to be more careful of whom I trust and who I want to marry down the line. Thanks. Don't hold back the words you really mean. |
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catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
Oh boy, I do understand this. Good for you if you finally reached that point to say you are better off without him. I still struggle with that part. Sandra |
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devina Member Elite
since 1999-10-28
Posts 3539Cali |
Sending big sister hugs across the miles Ambs....  Sounds like you've finally got it all figured out... and that's a good thing, yes??? Love you Tanya Open arms can be the most fragile in the world... |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I have been there, but not even close to attaining the ring or the son. I used to want all of that with this one girl. "This one girl"....sounds so insignificant that statement.....it is. I try to make her out to be this evil queen......reality is that I guess I am to blame as well. Hard to fess up to it. I've been there though....4yrs of being there. Now I'm done....trying to move on, and figure out WHO I am in the "singles" dept. I guess I'll see eventually.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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