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Flight of a Broken Heart
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Flight of a Broken Heart |
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Lonely Shadow Member
since 2000-03-14
Posts 128Virginia 
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what's wrong with this poem? can somebody help me... I can't see but I can tell something isn't quite right, but I can't put my finger on it... ----------------------------------------- Falling, falling faster memories of love rushing through my brain remembering her face the way she made me feel to hold her in my arms, to feel her lips to mine and how my heart once soared from her love falling faster, not wanting this dream to end then suddenly, my heart shatters striking the cold harshness of reality that my love she no longer desires my touch she no longer craves so I lie here, broken and alone her life moves on, full of life and happiness as my life slowly dies, frozen in sorrow and other heartache chalked up as the rest is only silence Fear destroys the mind, depression destroys the soul... only love and compassion may save you from death. |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
LS Please take what I am about to say as a sincere and honest attempt to help you: Your profile quote says: “Please, I want your honest opinion. I want to try to perfect my writing skills... because I want to truly be able to pour my heart and soul into my poetry” I assume from this that you want to write better poetry. I also assume that you want to write poetry which will interest other people and move them. (If either of these assumptions is in error then please ignore the remainder of my reply.) I see that this is the first time you have posted in CA. Your piptalk stats show that you have posted 81 poems and made only 16 replies. That ratio, if continued here in CA, will not help you to progress as people will quickly get tired of offering you assistance without receiving anything back. And you know what, as well as reading lots of good poetry, critiquing others work is a great way to improve your writing as it forces you to really read and consider other poems and what is wrong or right with them. This then helps you to see the deficiencies in your own writing. But first you have to have a clue as to what you are doing. Please let me know who your favorite poets are? Also please could you tell me what poetry handbooks you have read? (i.e. books that teach you how to write poetry or explain particular aspects of it). Also, when writing, for the time being consider trying to leave your heart and soul behind for a while. A quick appraisal of your poems shows that 25 of them contain the words “love” or “angel” in the title often preceded by the adjective “my”. This suggests a big preoccupation with writing about subjects that are very personal and close to your innermost feelings (like the present poem maybe). There is nothing intrinsically wrong with this, but when starting out to write it is best to get an appreciation of and familiarity with the tools of the trade before venturing out into dangerous territory - and “the heart” is dangerous territory. Inexperienced writers writing poems from the heart practically always produce work that satisfies no-one but themselves and their nearest and dearest. If this is what you want fine, continue as you are. If not, then answer my questions above and then I’ll see if I can assist you further. Kind regards. Rob [This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (09-30-2002 05:40 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Rob pretty much hit it on the head. First I want to stress, as he did, the way to get help is to give help. It is just human nature to give to those who give back. As for the poem, he is probably right again. What you have written is pleasant enough and I'm sure was very important to the speaker, probably yourself. But there is really nothing there to make it improtant or memorable to anyone else. When writing free verse, this becomes even more important. With rhyme and meter, one at least has those factors to give a first start toward making a poem interesting. With FV, the only thing you have going for you is the words and how they are assembled. If they don't have some real zing or pizzazz to them then the whole effort is doomed from the start. Pete |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I like the way you use "falling" out of love in contrast to how it is used as "falling in love" I also like the "crashing into reality" part. I will attempt just a few modifications to make the poem read more smoothly. Falling, falling faster, faster. Memories of love rushing. [] [Memories are in the brain by default.] Remembering her face, the way she made me feel. [How I held]her in my arms, How her lips felt on mine. How [][I] once soared for her love. Falling, falling faster, faster! not wanting this dream to end. Then suddenly, [][I]shatter [I strike]the cold [concrete]of reality [Since the use of "heart" is overused, it is best to avoid it. Using "heart" also weakens the visual imagery of the whole person falling as described in the introduction.] My [words] [Avoids repetition of the word love.] she no longer desires. My touch she no longer craves. So I lie here, broken and alone [as she] moves on full of life [] ["Full of life...." indicates happiness.] [and I] slowly die frozen in sorrow. [] [The comment about it being just one of a series of heartaches weakens the poem's urgency. The reader might say: "If it is just another heartache, why's he making such a big deal out of it. It also implies that the speaker is to blame for the heartaches. You know, like when a person keeps on losing jobs? Exactly!] []The rest is only silence. Enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing! BTW [The title tells us that a broken heart is flying. But the poem tells us that the heart broke only after hitting the pavement--not when it was in flight. I personally do not consider a fall flying. I am sure that neither do you.] [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-01-2002 02:11 AM).] |
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Lonely Shadow Member
since 2000-03-14
Posts 128Virginia |
Unfortunately Rob, I never read a handbook describing how to write poetry... I tried to find an outlet for being depressed and well, I tried this... first couple came out ok... so, I thought "hey this isn't so bad." Never tried to put any real form to it... just used it as a tool to keep me from going insane, or at least moreso than usual  But anyways, thanks everyone for the advice, hopefully I can put it to good use of my poems [This message has been edited by Lonely Shadow (10-01-2002 09:56 AM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
LS I'm sorry you have had problems of depression, and I'm glad that writing poems helps you. If you want to improve your writing and make it more interesting for other people to read I'd recommend you start by purchasing a book to help you. Two I have found helpful are: A Poetry Handbook Mary Oliver In the Palm of Your Hand:The Poet's Portable Workshop Steve Kowit Both can be bought at Amazon. If after you have had run through a book like that you want to post a further poem here I would be glad to help you work with it and make it better. Regards. Rob |
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Crazy Eddie Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 178 |
Lonely Shadow I think you’ve used too many words. Have you ever listened to someone reading the news? I mean REALLY listened, if you do you’ll find that the stress of the newsreaders speech is different to normal speech. Important words are stressed and others unstressed to highlight the meaning, here’s an example to show what I mean: Today in SUNTOWN a CAR BOMB exploded in the DEVIN ROAD the blast DAMAGED several BUILDINGS and parked CARS. A local priest FATHER LORD said it was a MIRACLE that NO ONE was INJURED. The ABC has CLAIMED RESPONSIBILITY in a letter sent to a local newspaper. People listening to the news are generally not paying full attention so what the newsreader does is stress the important words, the ones that get the basis of the message over. You may notice something if you pick out the stressed words in the above example, they bear an uncanny resemblance to another form of communication, the telegram, where the penalty for over elaboration was financial but the meaning always had to be kept. Strangely this stressing of necessary words has a parallel in the way people read, it’s generally called speed reading or scanning, the idea is to pick out only the words that you need to get the gist of the meaning and let your brain fill in the missing parts. You’ll be amazed at how many words you can lose before the gist is lost, here’s your first six lines with only minor pruning. Falling faster: memories of love rush through my brain; remembering her face and how she made me feel in arms - with lips to mine and soaring heart. It might be worth a try, what do you think? [This message has been edited by Crazy Eddie (10-01-2002 06:19 PM).] |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi LS, I have those books that Rob mentioned and he is right, they are a big help. Another book that I have which is the very first book that I purchased is "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing Poetry." It is fantastic for quick reference also. I hope you look into it, you won't be disappointed. Caterina |
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