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Critical Analysis #2
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psychological inflection
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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psychological inflection |
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Tanzanite Junior Member
since 2002-05-30
Posts 11 |
you breathed life into the universe~left it covered in scars of psychological-inflection on dry dirt on earth~the womb, my celestial playing field~where everything began when my mother played my shield~kept her emotions sealed~through me it was healed~wit the wind i screamed~inside my dying dreams~nothin is what it seems~as i watched my voice evaporate into the atmospheric echoes of my mothers blood streams~11 years later...you still continute to make me feel like a collection of poorly assembled pieces~my anger increases~suckin on my brain cells like leaches~you and racism....go hand in hand~you speak languages that ive never been able to fully translate or understand~ I sit monkstyle in a reclusive state of mind~venturing into concave dimensional spheres hearing the hollow echoes of infinitive thoughts of mine~seeking solitude during a solitary walk along avila beach while watching my minds' shadow metamorphasize into ambidextrious arms reaching for irremmediable promises only to find a room filled with sadness, gloom,madness and doom...the fruits in a melancholy swell~quinching the thirst of my roots of endless hell~ constantly riding on an emotional rollercoaster of ambivalence, slowly being morphed into a separate entity and losing the knowledge to support myself on my feet~cause im now growing fins and gills...but still...i stay walkin on dry land...as it soakes the oceans' spills. Tanzanite |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169 |
You need to put this into a more poetic form, not just a big clump as it currently is, and you also need to correct the many spelling errors that's in it. After that, we shall see what needs to be done. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I have to agree with Streen here about the spelling. This amount of spelling errors is just far too distracting, and degrades your work a lot. I suggest running this through Word to find the errors. You have quite a few words missing the 'g' from the ing suffix. I suspect that was intentional for a sound-effect, but in other places you have the g. I think you'll have to be consistent with that technique or drop it. Also - I don't think you necessarily have to give this line breaks all the way through to make it work. I think some would help, to put across the idea that this is actually a poem. You have to be careful when writing prose-poetry - you don't want this to come across as a mere paragraph. Also, using the ~ for your breaks just doesn't work. I think you need to punctuate it properly, with fullstop/periods. You have some good lines in here I think. Nice rhythm in many places. Tighten it up a little and it'll work well methinks.  K |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
What? Severn want punctuation? OMG, what next? |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
ROTFLMAO!!!! I suppose I deserved that Pete heh. 1 - I never said I wasn't a hypocrite (shurrup C) 2 - Ok ok, my official stance on punctuation: while I am currently writing poetry that does lack punctuation I do still see the value in it, and I can still see where it's even necessary perhaps (though necessary is a loaded word in this context). I think if you're going to punctuate poetry then it should follow a consistent pattern - not necessarily a grammatically correct pattern, but a pattern all the same. Poetry works with and without it. Learning to work with it is just as vital as learning to work without it. My early poetry usually contains grammatically correct (I'd like to hope) punc, my current stuff - either none, or a pattern I invent. So now sniff will you not be mean to poor wittle K... K |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
quote:anyone want to take bets on that?  |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
So uh C...which part of 'shurrup' did you not understand? Want me to spell it out to you, simple boy. Heh... K |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
No intent to be mean dear one. Just trying to express my surprise, pleasant surprise, I might add. I think I entirely agree with your position too. Being an old traditionalist, I don't write devoid of punctuation but you and many others do it very well. I have no problem there. As you said though, consistency is the key. I think the grammatical rules can and should be bent to some extent to help the reader anticvipate the pace without having to study the author's intent first. But, I don't think one can make up a whole new set of rules without producing garbage. It is difficult to write effectively without punctuation. Many beginning writers, following the lead of some modern poets, must think the simple thing to do is just avoid punctuation entirely. That way they won't make mistakes. The mistake they make by that policy is producing nearly unreadable stuff. Yes, I violate the rulse often and I encourage others, even relative beginners, to do so (well, one would certainly hope so, being a relative beginner myself). But I strongly believe that one should first learn to use it properly. With that knowledge, it is possible to add, drop and alter to better direct the reader and produce the desired effect without appearing to be completely unknowledgeable of language structure. Ok, there's my long response to your short comment. Luv ya, Pete |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I agree with everyone else that the poem does need to be recast into a more readable mold. Putting it through a spell checker, adding punctuation, and organizing it into stanzas will accomplish this. But apart from those modifications, I enjoyed reading the poem. Thanks for sharing. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-01-2002 12:54 PM).] |
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Crazy Eddie Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 178 |
I’ve read this a few times, to be honest I’ve actually copied and pasted it into Word and hacked it to pieces. I’ve come to two conclusions, the first is that this is one of those stream of consciousness literal outpourings (which serve a purpose), the second was that however it was conceived it has some good points. I agree it needs some formatting and spell checking would make it easier to read, I also think it needs some serious pruning, it’s far too wordy and the overuse of rhyme in machinegun-like proximity breaks the flow and detracts. I’d like to see and comment on a re-write if you ever do one. Thanks for the chance to read and reply |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Tanz, I would like to see you break this down into stanzas that would help us as readers to do a critique on it for you. You do have some good things going on here and it would be interesting to see what you do with it. And I agree with the others... check the spelling, watch punctuation and line breaks are an area that you can play around with and can really make an impact on your poem. Hope you do a revision. Welcome btw and keep writing. caterina |
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