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Critical Analysis #2
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O Laptop, My Laptop (Villanelle)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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O Laptop, My Laptop (Villanelle) |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169
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O laptop, with nimble speed galore, do zip and data-ize finesse, which makes one want for thee, amor. Thy simple chip, I can rapport, smooths thy screen with slight caress, O laptop, with nimble speed galore. Statistic host, you wrap my core, With bus and cpu, noblesse, which makes one want for thee, amor. Thine LCD and thine decor, doth turn my life much to success, O laptop, with nimble speed galore, May virus knock upon the door, thou still all JPEG's do fluoresce, which makes one want for thee, amor. Now I all other life abhor, Thou run all programs, my largesse, O laptop, with nimble speed galore, which makes one want for thee, amor. --------------- This is my first attempt at the villanelle form, and I wanted to do something quirky by juxtapositioning the modern age computer stuffez with antiquated language and form. Did it work out? (I think perhaps that some of the thou's and thine's get a little cheesy, can ye give any help for that? Or do they work out right?) [This message has been edited by Streen (09-29-2002 02:20 PM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
What I think Streen is that you wrote a hilarious poem! You took what is an extremely difficult form and picked near impossible starting rhymes, and then somehow made it through to the end without losing coherence - nearly losing it, but not quite. What makes it even more amusing is the fact that villanelles are usually used to deal with subjects of great gravitas, often death for instance. (Dylan T's great villanelle is a good example). You have taken the form and as you say mixed a contemporary subject with archaic language in a form which is "inappropriate" and with amazingly challenging rhyme. Brave brave man (woman?), but well done! You followed the rules well. Rob PS I forgot to say, I am clueless about thous thys and thines so sorry I can't help there. [This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (09-29-2002 04:02 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Streen, I think I'll have a go at this one. As Rob already said, it looks like you followed the outline exactly. I once made the rash statement that I couldn't see any reason for writing a villanelle. My error was quickly pointed out, publicly. There is a lot to be learned from such a form. Of course, the rhyme scheme is not easy, in English anyway. It is hard to make the repetition not boring. But the most difficult part is dealing with the logical flow of the plot, for lack of the proper words. The entire thing needs to build not only the tension but also bring the reader to the logical conclusion of the closing stanza. IMO, you have done it all here. I also like your "quirky" bent too. Strangely, once I was coerced into writing a villanelle, I opted for humor too. I have written 2 now and both are on the lighter side. Although not the original intent of the form, I too must have found it interesting. Now for the nits. Although not strictly required by the form, villanelles nearly always are more effective if written in a consistent, or nearly so, meter. Yours is close but there are a couple of places I would suggest changes. First is your opening line. "O laptop, with nimble speed galore," is a bit bumpy. I would take out with and maybe replace the comma before it with a dash. It believe that makes the same point, eliminates an unnecessary word and makes the line tru 4 foot iambic, as most of the rest of the poem is. In S2-L2, I suggest adding the dropped first unstressed syllable. There are cases where it is effective to drop that first syllable but there should be a reason, typically it is used for emphasis. I don't think that applies here. One possibility is "it smooths..." Finally we get to the language usage. I believe we are talking about Elizabethan English here. I am certainly no expert here but I will give my opinions or expose my lack of knowledge anyway. First, although it does look poetic, technically I think O was used in place of or. The proper word here is oh instead. Well, I do like the looks of it as is and would not argue to strongly either way. Next for the thees and thous, thou was the familiar form of you in the language of the day. English has since dropped that form although many other languages still retain it. So, when speaking to a close friend or a child or servant, one properly addressed them as thou. For some reason, this also applied when speking to one's deity. In this sense, I think it is appropriate when speaking to one's laptop computer. Thou is the nominative form and thee the objective, but you already handled that correctly. Unless I misunderstand the meaning of S1-L2, I think do should be the singular form, doth, as the laptop appears to be the subject of the sentence and that line is descriptive. If it is intended to be imperative then I think the next line would be in conflict. In a similar line, S4-L2 uses doth. I'm not sure here but for some reason I think that is the singular form only. I don't know the plural form which would be correct here. It just looks wrong as is though. Thine is related to thy as an is related to a. That is, thys is the primary word but when it preceeds a word which begins with a vowel sound, thine is substituted to make pronunciation easier. For that reason, I think the second thine should be thy, "Thine LCD and thy decor." One last point then I have to get back to work. Oh (or o as you have it written) is a terribly overused word. There are very few places where it doesn't sound trite in modern poetry and I think as modern readers, that probably applies to older style writing too. It just gives the immediate impression that the author was either too lazy to find a more suitable syllable to make the meter. The second impression is that he was trying to be too "poetic" or cute. There are those who almost refuse to read a poem if they see the word in it. Well maybe not that bad but I'm trying to make a point here. In this case, I think you can avoid this potentiality entirely by substituting my in place of oh. Ok, this is all JMHO so do with it as you see fit. All-in-all, I really enjoyed this poem. I have read it several times and each time it become more likeable. Good to see you tackling structured forms. Thanks, Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (09-30-2002 12:48 PM).] |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi, I've never tried a villanelle and after reading yours it's something I might consider doing in the future but I don't think I am ready to tackle that form at this time. It just zoomed right along with a good feeling and the thine's and thou's fit in quite nicely, incorporating the modern with the old, I liked that and it does not always work but in this particular case it did. Thanks for sharing.... a great poem. caterina |
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