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Sonnet 1 (The Void)
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Sonnet 1 (The Void) |
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AquariusX New Member
since 2002-09-11
Posts 9 |
O! How much life are we forced to waste, Deeply preoccupied with Death's daily task, A state of witless coma encased, As Djinni trapped in its imprisoning flask. A maze more enigmatic than that of Crete, Through eternity does this cell extend, Certain paths will souls always repeat, Upon the void lies our depend. Imagine the genius that could have appeared! Ideas to truly benefit mankind, Malevolent monsters to be feared, Yet it is stronger than Fenrir's twine. Above every life looms this doom. Servant to an inescapable vacuum. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
The syllable count is way off. Sonnets are iambic with 5 feet ( a total of 10 syllables per line). Also, doom and vacuum is not an acceptable rhyme, since the accent is on the first syllable of vacuum, not the second. |
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AquariusX New Member
since 2002-09-11
Posts 9 |
Lol, I wrote it a while ago, and my justification was that one of Donne's poems has a line that was off ten syllables (one line in Holy Sonnet X, I think). Of course, that's no excuse for most of my lines being "way off". I also realized that the last two lines were iffy, but I'm not sure of a way to fix that. Anyway, what do you think of the meaning of the poem? |
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geenabee Member
since 2002-09-10
Posts 59NC--USA |
...what's fenrir's twine?... i feel so dumb sometimes in here... good sonnetlike thingy. reminiscent of romantic poets...i think  glad to read ya..gb |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
LOL! My apologies if my "way off" sounded derrogatory or smart-alecky. It wasn't intended that way, believe me. The syllable counts are as follows:9-11-9-11-11-10-9-8-9-9-8-10 As far as the last two lines, I can't help you much there. Doom and vacuum would have to be changed in some way..perhaps changing the last line to....."a vacuum-filled tomb" or something like that. I'm sure you can come up with something much better. I like the meanings of the lines very much and the way you blend in the mythological and fantasy points of reference...even though they used chains on poor old Fenrir instead of twine  Unfortunately I am horrible at "figuring out" poems. I can understand every line individually but, for the life of me, I cannot figure out exactly what the "void" represents. That is not the poem's fault...I'm just pretty dense that way, I think. It may sound strange to say I applaud every line and the intelligence used in the construction without being able to figure out the most important aspect but I'm afraid, in my case, the "void" is between my ears  |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I liked your poem! Thanks for the read! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-12-2002 10:53 PM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Aquarius I have no problem at all with contemporary poems that borrow from the traditional sonnet format but which break the rules to good effect. Many “sonnets” I have read recently do not follow strict iambic pentameter, some are not iambic at all, many do not rhyme but perhaps use slant rhyme instead, and curtal sonnets don’t even have 14 lines. As for your “doom” “vacuum” rhyme, that would be perfectly acceptable. That’s the good news. The other news is that although you broke the traditional rules you did not do so to good effect and together with the other deficiencies in the poem you managed to concoct something that is totally unmemorable and to be honest verging on the intensely irritating. To say that the piece reads bumpily would be an understatement. You have ditched iambic rhythm in favor of diction and syntax which are grating and unmusical. Your cause isn’t helped at all by the cumbersome inversions you sprinkle around the piece in order to maintain the rhyme scheme: “A state of witless coma encased”, “Through eternity does this cell extend”, “Certain paths will souls always repeat”. Still worse the whole piece has a kind of artificial air about it as if you are trying to emulate some great archaic piece of writing - striving to articulate some deep earth shattering Truth (with an uppercase “T”, just as you have for no particular reason an uppercase “D” on Death). Then again you call on a rather wide variety of allusions. A piece which invokes Djinni, Crete and Fenrir in the space of 14 lines is probably going to confuse. And this certainly does. It’s almost as if you think that rolling out the allusions for the sake of it will carry the poem. Finally, the poem is dull and flat. Read it aloud. Can’t you hear how each line clunks to a halt at the end stop like a stuttering priest droning out a liturgy. There is no “flow” or momentum to carry the reader through. No anticipation - no tension, the imagery is nearly non-existent, I simply feel like I am being talked at - lectured even. Try carrying your sentences over the line ends in future sonnets in a way which creates interest and maybe adds layers of meaning. I see you mention Donne. My advice to you would be to banish Donne from your mind right now. If you have to read ancient sonnets you can’t do better than ole Will, but perhaps try enjoying something more contemporary. In fact now I come to think of it I believe that second prize in the UK National Poetry Comp was a sonnet. I will find a link for you. There ya go: http://www.poetrysociety.org.uk/comp/poems01.htm See the way she enjambs the lines and provides luscious imagery all the way through so that we never lose interest. Wonderful sonnet. Good luck with No 2. Rob |
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AquariusX New Member
since 2002-09-11
Posts 9 |
Thanks for the replies. I found all constructive.geenabee: Fenrir's twine refers to Nordic mythology in which a giant Wolf monster is imprisoned with an incredibly strong, yet thin chain. Balladeer: I know what you mean, I'm not that good at poem interpretation, myself. The void represents- sleep (strange I know, but I try to apply that to the poem...) The only hint that it is sleep is "coma" (which people come out of). Robtm1965: "for no particular reason an uppercase “D” on Death" I placed an uppercase "D" because I somehow felt that Death performing a task was ample personification to merit its capitalization. "I see you mention Donne" "priest droning out a liturgy" Hehe, did the additional allusion to Donne help conjure the latter religious image? "It’s almost as if you think that rolling out the allusions for the sake of it will carry the poem." Nah, it's imagery- though shallow (a genie in a lamp, a maze, and a chained wolf). "Still worse the whole piece has a kind of artificial air about it as if you are trying to emulate some great archaic piece of writing" This is a problem for me as I have had very little poetry training (read: school has exposed me to predominantly ancient poetry, and hence my partiality to sonnet form). That and I read fewer poems for fear of unconsciously ripping off their material. Your criticism has made me realize two things: stress the imagery/detail and avoid the clunky diction and syntax. Anyway, I truly thank everyone for the help given as I am quite the novice in poetry , so far I've written about seven poems (5 sonnets, a ballad, and a haiku- so Sonnet 2 has been written already). |
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