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Aggravation
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Aggravation |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Daylight commences it's shift, anxious to begin it nudges back the night, but there is no sun today, the sky is gray, coughing up congested clouds instead with drizzles of distress. The wind, can't breathe a breath, air, heavy with a hazy fog, so daylight suffers through long hours until evening saunters in, a respite from the city smog. caterina |
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| © Copyright 2002 Carol Jane Bleichert - All Rights Reserved | |||
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Caterina, a quaint poem; it reminds me of many of the days I see here in Central Florida in the Summer, except for the smog- but the stifiling humidity looks and sounds something like what you wrote here. A few things I'd change: In the first stanza it seems to me that Daylight commences it's shift, anxious to begin it nudges night but there is no sun, the sky is gray-- I don't think you need 'back the', and I don't think you need 'today' its obvious that you're talking about the current day in the poem. The line break between the last line of the first stanza and the first of the second seems akward, those two lines all the way to 'with drizzles of distress' seem to belong together. 'The wind, can't breathe a breath, seems redundant since any mention of breathing presupposes 'breath' I also couldn't figure out the frequent use of commas, unless it was to portray the disjointed scene.. dunno. The last line stands up well and seems a fit ending. I hope any of this makes sense. Thanks for the read. |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Caterina I quite enjoyed the metaphor and the personification of the various periods of a day. You managed to capture and hold my interest with some nice language: “nudges back the night” and “coughing up congested clouds”. I was however looking for a strong ending to “make” the poem, and instead you ended rather weakly I thought. Additionally the metaphor tilts (because of the diction:- coughing congested drizzle distress can’t breathe heavy) more and more towards portraying specifically somebody suffering with a heavy cold (rather than just somebody who is miserable for any old reason). At which point I began to wonder why somebody who was ill would “be anxious to begin” and why the evening would bring “respite” - I always feel worse in the evening! Unless of course you were suggesting a move towards a release in sleep. Anyway, things seem a tad mixed up to me. Additionally I keep wanting to see an “of” and the removal of the comma at the line end, at this point: “The wind, can't breathe a breath of air, heavy with a hazy fog,” Also, I hate “so daylight suffers through long hours”, it just sounds so pedestrian and “storytellish”, and from all that has gone before we already KNOW the sufferings of poor day we don’t have to be told again. I do however like “evening saunters in” a lot. You need to keep that. But again, why evening should dispel the smog I have no idea. My experience is that the fall of darkness generally exacerbates the misery of the poor traveller and if anything the smog seems to thicken. So I like the idea and most of the execution. Just a few reservations about the workability of the metaphor and the closure. Thanks. Rob |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Yesh, The changes that you suggested in the first stanza-- still thinking on it. Your pointing out the punctuation to me was an eye opener though, I reread it and couldn't believe that I actually did that.... my brain was on holiday, I guess. And the breathe/breath thingy-- I agree, so I have changed that. I have also added on to the poem for clarity. Thanks for the crit, it was a big help. caterina |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Rob, I think that I have led you down the wrong path, so I have written a revision that you can take a look at and perhaps you can let me know your views-- whether you get a better picture or not. I agree with you on the breathe/breath of air and have incorporated it. I am putting the revision here-- don't see any need to start up another thread. Aggravation (thinking on changing the title) Daylight commences it's shift, anxious to begin, it nudges back the night, but there is no sun today, pollutants in the atmosphere are high, the sky turns gray, coughing up congested clouds instead with drizzles of distress. The wind can't breathe a breath of air, heavy with a hazy fog, so daylight labors through long hours, then fades as evening saunters in, a respite from those feral fumes and potent sprays that cause this smog, the 'greenhous effect' makes for moody weather. I have it in my mind to make a change on breathe/breath like so: 'the wind can't blow a breath of air' don't know, what would you say? I am still working on this-- mainly the title and the ending. Anyway, that is where I am at this time. I hope it is clearer for you. caterina |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hey Cat... I like this metaphor, and overall, I think your revision is an improvement.... still a few things I would tweak. 'Daylight commences it's shift, anxious to begin, it nudges back the night, but there is no sun today,' So many commas! Visually and aurally, this is really awkward, and it detract from some really strong lines. I'd consider reformatting: 'Daylight commences it's shift anxious to begin, it nudges back the night- but there is no sun today.' (here I'd consider omitting 'but') Then with the next set of lines, which are a new thought, I'd start a new sentence to avoid the run-on sequence you have. 'pollutants in the atmosphere are high, the sky turns gray, coughing up congested clouds instead with drizzles of distress.' I was really impressed with these lines- excellent use of internal rhyme and alliteration... I personally probably would have broken the lines up a little more, but that's also because when I read sequences like this out loud I tend to give extra emphasis to the rhyming bits, and would format it as such- just a personal preference of mine. 'The wind can't breathe a breath of air, heavy with a hazy fog,' I think that these are extraneous lines- they don't do much to further the poem, an they don't really enhance the image any more than the previous (more inventive) lines do. I would personally drop them, but if you must keep them, leave it as 'breathe a breath' rather than 'blow'. 'so daylight labors through long hours, then fades as evening saunters in, a respite from those feral fumes and potent sprays that cause this smog,' Once again, really impressed with word choice here- I would change the last comma to a period and completely drop the greenhouse line.... that's overkill... this is much better as is. Hope I've helped. I am writing graffiti on your body |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Caterina I only have a minute or two. I see what you are saying about leading down the "wrong" path, although I wonder if there is a wrong path (see Trevor's thread "Melt"). In this case my interpretation didn't fit too well which I suppose is why I had reservations. On the detail I actually agree with much of what Hush has said especially her comments about the last line. Which leads me on to what I really wanted to say which is that I think the poem was, in one sense better before when there was room to apply it literally or more metaphorically as the reader chose. By being more explicit you have ended up with a poem which verges on a political statement about the environment and nothing much more. Sure, some of the diction is nice and one can admire that, but this is now a poem that most people would read once and say: fine, this is a reaffirmation of what we read and hear in the media every day to the effect that we are polluting the planet - unmemorable! If all you want to do is make such a statement then you have probably succeeded quite well, but nothing about the piece really excites me, changes me or makes me want to read and re-read it. I think if I was doing this I'd try a change of direction maybe add immediacy and a more personal dimension by incorporating a personal experience of pollution so that the central message becomes more relevant by showing graphically how our (society's) actions can impact upon our day to day lives. There's no reason at all why you couldn't use some of the good images and metaphor from the original, so you might write: Daylight commences it's shift anxious to begin it nudges back the night. I fire the engine and leave for work, while coughing in congested clouds the dawn crawls out with drizzles of distress. Ok, I know this isn't world beating stuff but I've tried to keep your central theme while at the same time adding a personal dimension and opening up possibilities for exploration of side issues. The context and position of the word "congested" for instance might now remind a reader of the state of our roads. Having the speaker leave in a vehicle might start to play on the irony that we all contribute to this state of affairs however much we abhor it. Also I've tried to set up an interplay between the speaker's experience and that of the more impersonal "day" (ie the planet) by introducing momentary ambiguity in the positioning of the phrase "while coughing in congested clouds", and of course picking up on the word "shift" in the departure of the speaker for work. And the introduction of the word "crawl" might for instance open up possibilities for later. Maybe the speaker sits in the park at lunch break and while eating her MacDonalds watches a beetle crawl to its demise in a patch of oil spill, or something. Anyway, just a few ideas. Rob [This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (09-11-2002 06:22 AM).] |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi hush, Thanks very much for your crit. I guess you've been busy.... haven't seen you post lately-- nice to see you back in the forum again. Yeah, I am in punctuation hell and poem revision overkill this week.  I have gone over your crit and like some of your suggestions. I may put it aside for awhile though and just let it simmer, see what happens.Thanks again, you've been a big help. caterina |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Rob, I hear what your saying. Btw, the reworking of that stanza was great-- it may not be world breaking to you but it looks good to me. I went from one extreme to the other here, I know that.... it seems to be a routine with me. It's either not enough or too much-- no happy medium. Leaving room for interpretation is a plus, I agree... so perhaps I will have to make that my motto-- maybe then it will sink in? No promises though. I like your crits-- they are informative and very helpful. Since you feel that the first draft was better... perhaps I will work around that, otherwise it will be a whole new rewrite altogether and I don't know if I want to do that. I'll think about it for a bit-- try and figure out what I want to do. Anyway, thanks again Rob.... I appreciate very much. caterina |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Caterina "a whole new rewrite altogether and I don't know if I want to do that" I don't blame you - I've never done a rewrite in my life! Don't worry, it's quite enough to know that you are reading and responding in a thoughtful way. Thank you. Rob |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi Caterina! Here are my suggestions: [The image of the sun managing to nudge back the night clashes with what follows. It is like saying that I managed to hit a home run, then going on to describe how I failed to hit a home run. In my opinion it works better this way: Daylight commences it's shift anxious to begin nudging back the night. But there is no sun today. The sky is gray and coughes up congested clouds with drizzles of distress. The wind, [cannot] breathe a breath. The air, heavy with fog, [The following sounds pedantic:] So daylight suffers through long hours until evening saunters in-- a respite from the city smog. [The poem begins by showing. But then shifts from showing to telling at the conclusion. If the initial showing can be sustained, the poem will be greatly improved.] |
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