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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Separated |
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kelmor New Member
since 2002-09-09
Posts 5 |
At night when the cold of neighboring space seeps through me like winter's snow melting into skin, I try to wrap myself over you, around you, into you and rest my head on your chest trying to remember your heartbeats through my ear, the warmth of exhales lightly tousling my hair, and how our ribs would meld into synchronous breaths. But my arm cradles air, and a pillow received my breaths. |
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| © Copyright 2002 kelmor - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kelmor, Welcome to CA. Check your email. Pete |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi kelmor, I like your poem. I felt the feeling of loneliness and separation. I do have some suggestions for you that you might use or not-- just my opinion and I'm sure you will get many more. At night ** I think that you can expand on this.... something along the lines of 'the night grabs me and makes me aware'-- not a good example but just to show you where my train of thought is going here. That opening line needs to bring that reader in and as is, it doesn't do that. when the cold of neighboring space ** If you would drop 'the' and replace it with'that' it would indicate that it is a cold that this person has felt before. I would suggest also to drop 'of.' seeps through me like winter's snow melting into skin, ** hmmm, I dunno-- what if you would drop that line and just go with 'chills', then drop 'winter's' because we know snow only happens in the wintertime and snow really wouldn't melt into the skin, it would melt on the skin. So, with that in mind it would read something like 'chills like snow melting on my skin' I try to wrap myself over you, around you, into you ** Perhaps it should read 'I want to wrap' and you don't need 'myself' and I don't know if it is possible to wrap into someone. Something to think about. I do feel that you could improve on these 2 lines though, what about a simili or a metaphor. and rest my head on your chest trying to remember your heartbeats through my ear. ** I think you can drop the 'and' and instead of 'rest my head' maybe 'press my cheek against your chest' and when reading that line it has a nice sound to it with the alliteration/or you may think of something more to your liking. Here again, I think 'want' would be better and perhaps go with 'I want to remember' Don't think you need 'your' and I know you can find another word to replace 'through'-- ex: 'heartbeats sounding in my ear/ heartbeats like a lullabye in my ear-- something to that effect. the warmth of exhales lightly tousling my hair and how our ribs would meld into synchronous breaths. ** I would take the 'how' and work it in the first line and change 'tousling' to tousled-- then 'and ribs meld in synchronous breaths.' But my arm cradles air, and a pillow received my breaths. ** I think you have to work with the ending a bit, play around with it. I would think that ones arms would be cradling the pillow not air. This is probably your first draft so I hope I was able to help you out a bit. As I said, I like this and you can do a lot with it, I think. Btw, welcome aboard and hope to see more of your writes. Hope you do a revision on this one. Take care caterina |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
An absolutely entrancing poem! I would leave it almost exactly as is. The only small improvement I see possible is perhaps in verb/tense agreement. At night when the cold of neighboring space seeps through me like winter's snow melting into skin, I try to wrap myself over you, around you, into you resting my head on your chest trying to remember your heartbeats through my ear, warmth of exhales which lightly [tousled] my hair, our ribs melding into synchronous breaths. But my arm cradles [present] air, and a pillow receives [present] my breaths. Comment: [Since "cradles" is in the present tense, "received" has to be changed to "receives" in order to prevent tense contradiction.] |
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geenabee Member
since 2002-09-10
Posts 59NC--USA |
more more more gimme more  i like this one.. i like the neighboring space metaphor... it totally is descriptive of loneliness. and i like the ending, but you could make me cry if you added more to the end...about what else is missing?/ maybe... i dunno i aint no expert like summadefolks here glad to read ya gb |
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kelmor New Member
since 2002-09-09
Posts 5 |
Thank you all so much for your replies!! |
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