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Guilty
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Guilty |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Just decided I'd try my hand at "psycho-thrillers" lol. I hope this is wierd enough and somewhat scary in places... The Detatchment I can hear someone constantly screaming in my ear. He screams words like "guilty!" or "condemned!" The voice sounds oddly familiar, almost like the voice of someone I once knew. I think he had something to do with that time I was in highschool and something happened to me that had never happened before. Something horrible... The voice is getting louder now, but saying nothing. It's just a random ecstatic jibberish of screams. It's almost as though the person is walking around above me. I can't see his eyes, but if I could they would be red - blood red. He would look like some police interrogator from hell. That's what this all is. It's a police interrogation. I'm the unknowing, unwilling suspect in a fantastic crime of great and rare genius. I am the sickening genius who can quote shakespeare's sonnets off by heart, and murder in cold blood. I don't think they'll pin me down though - not with my brains as their adversary. But I still hear that angry cry occasionally come from my captor. "Guilty!" "Condemned!" Eyes Eyes - those are the only things I see right now. They seem to be pinned right above me. To the ceiling of some strange chamber I'm in. Those hairy eyebrows lend to their analytical angry gaze. It's almost as if they're demanding something of me. I can't respond... It's like I'm in some sort of tube filled with water. It's like I'm the last surviving specimine of the human race. The doctors don't want to lose me. They've put me in some sort of suspended animation. I'm floating freely inside this glass tube. They're all taking notes, watching my every twitch and move as I sleep on into some forgotten future. The computers all display readouts. "His heartrate." "His brain." "His muscular system." "His circulatory system." "His eyes." "His guilt." Something coalesces in the corner of my eye. I check to see what it is. Nothing. Just more water. Just more doctors. Just more eyes watching my every move, seeing my every thought. Green Fields I can smell the breeze as I once knew it so long ago, in that life I once knew. I feel like I'm in a casket lying in a field in some forgotten place. The vinyl around me is tender to the touch and reasuring to the doubting mind. But the flowers, oh, the flowers, they smell so beautiful. The clouds above me embrace my vision like the love of God. What is God? Is he distant like this place? A rain drop presses itself about my forehead. Another taps my hand. Still another beckons my heart. My Room "How are you feeling?" The figure asks. I slowly recognize her as my mother. Slowly the eyes, the raindrops, the flowers and the doctors disappear from view and fade from my memory forever. "Fine," I answer. "I think I am getting better. This sickness is dissipating." She leaves. I slowly compose my thoughts. I grab a book, and as I lay down to read, I feel a note under my pillow. Written on it in fancy lettering is one word: guilty "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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| © Copyright 2001 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
Hannibal calls his prey. Interesting. "The poet is the priest of the invisible." |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Really interesting story you have here. The format was different, and I have to admit it confused me a bit, but I liked it once I figured it out. I guess I'm just ignorant!  Anyway, thanks for sharing.  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Yeah, you really like to tilt heads, don't you Frac?  Great job on this! I liked the ending.~Allan The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further" |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
fracta, This is very good! Oh boy, a fellow thriller writer! Might you consider giving my story a look? This was very well done and I'd appreciate your feedback on mine, if you're willing to give it. Back to the story... This was mysterious and suspenseful throughout. The disorientation was sort of on two levels: we are disoriented as we try to piece together what's happening through the character's eyes as well as our own. I also admire the unconventional format, which worked quite well. By this I'm referring to the way you gave it "headings" and also the way you departed from the crisis, complication, climax, resolution format. This was totally absorbing and provocative. You seem to have a unique, natural style. The narration doesn't seem forced at all. You've made it look effortless. Your style really made the character come alive for me. He or she was down-to-earth and seemed like a real person I could relate to. Although you do sneak in some poetic description, it works as well and doesn't seem like you sat down and "Okay, now I'm going to wow my readers with my skill." You know what I mean? Very nicely done. Ashley |
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