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moonbeam
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75 posted 03-20-2009 06:37 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

I will have some time later today to get going on this again Michaela.  Meantime, as we are eventually working around to producing a poem using extended metaphor and imagery I thought you might be interested in this little gem posted by my friend Craig in Open:

http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum100/HTML/001654.html

Short simple witty, with the use of food as a metaphor for words of rejection, maintained throughout.

It's true that it's not exactly "deep"; in other words the metaphor doesn't exactly add layers of meaning and nuance in the way that a more complex poem might, but that's not what this is about.  

M
GothicCherry
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76 posted 03-20-2009 08:21 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Nice, I enjoyed that...Lol

I probably won't have much time to work on this as soon as you post it, but I will get to it whenever I find time.
moonbeam
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77 posted 03-20-2009 05:21 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Linguistic invention

A rundown house

The tinkling of light bounces off glass spikes piled upon the floor onto the staircase where more crystal-like puzzle pieces cause hazard for bare toes. Broken boards encase the remnants of memories that crowd corners in the form of ripped photographs, worn-out toys, and quilted blankets. The European style hinged entrance releases a rasping screech into the filthy air when pushed by the pristine winds.


This is ok Michaela, but, bearing in mind what I said about overloading with adjectives above, you might like to reconsider some of the language.  Don't try to sound too poetic, keep it simple and concise BUT keep it fresh and full of detail.

For instance in your first sentence "crystal-like puzzle pieces" is way to convoluted.   The sentence might have been stronger as:

"Light tinkles off a cascade of glass on the oak staircase, and bare toes hazard a second chandelier heaped in ruins on the stained marble of the hall."

But really it's not a bad effort at all.


(Table)

Insects inhabit the deep knots that engrave the table's ancient wood. The once strong face, the top of the table, splinters into miniscule bits. Missing a leg, its once flawless posture creases into a ledge that sends all clothes avalanching into the dining-room floor.

Again not bad at all.  You would however do well to try and actually find an old table and just study it closely, making detailed notes.  Colour, smell, size, shape, height, texture, material of construction, drawers, steady or unsteady etc.

A particular potted plant

A weak stalk appears from a  circular mound of earth that is held in a thin, floral print shell. Plain leaves frown from the flimsy structure. The frown is discolored with dehydration. Petals lacking care fall from the fragile stem.

Much the same comments as the table.  This is a hard exercise and, like an artist would probably produce the best picture by studying an actual plant, so would you I suspect.  But from your imagination this is ok.

I think we are nearly ready to go back to your experiences in the tree.  More tomorrow.

M
GothicCherry
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78 posted 03-22-2009 08:24 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

I have a weak imagination aso yeah its not surprising that this is weak considering I had close to no idea what I was talking about lol
moonbeam
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79 posted 03-22-2009 09:58 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Umm, did I say it was weak?  No, just checked, it was far from weak Michaela.  Like I said, it was a pretty good effort from imagination.

I think you should stop being modest or you'll get like my friend Grinch   - your imagination is just fine as you've already demonstrated; you just need to work on getting your imagination down on paper!

And you know, sometimes it doesn't matter that you don't know what you're talking about.  It might mean something at a different time or in a different place or to a different person.  

I really will get back on this later.

M
GothicCherry
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80 posted 03-22-2009 10:11 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

No, I was the one who thought it weak.

I'm not modest!! Lol...

Alright. Just whenever is fine.
moonbeam
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81 posted 03-23-2009 05:23 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Ok Michaela it's time to go back here:

http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum108/HTML/000219-3.html#60

Could you read that post through a couple of times and then start to work on a list of condensed images from your experience in the tree.  Like I did towards the end of the post.  Just camera snapshots of what you see.

When doing this bear in mind the exercise we have just done.  No unecessary adjectives, clear concise images, fresh images, new metaphors.  

Pick up the images you have already noted from your first attempt at describing your tree experiences, and if you can, add some more.   Make them up if necessary, maybe getting into the sense of the experience and what you would have liked to have seen and smelled and touched etc, as well as what you actually did see.

Remember precise concrete (not abstract) description.

Any questions?

M
GothicCherry
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82 posted 04-05-2009 01:07 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

I'm sorry I haven't been on in a while. Things are rough. I will get on this as soon as everything cools back down.
moonbeam
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83 posted 04-05-2009 04:28 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Michaela

No problem at all, I've been very distracted by other stuff too.

Whenever you are ready.  And I hope things get better for you soon.  They usually do, all things go in cycles I think .

Rob
Kalysta
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84 posted 04-06-2009 02:43 PM       View Profile for Kalysta   Email Kalysta   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kalysta

Really loved this
~Kalysta~
moonbeam
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85 posted 04-06-2009 04:54 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

I'm really glad Kalysta - ty
varun
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86 posted 04-09-2009 12:42 PM       View Profile for varun   Email varun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for varun

Wat to say Dear...
A very well written
GothicCherry
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87 posted 04-20-2009 08:37 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Okay. I am REALLY going to try to get on here tonight. Mom has me grounded from the internet at the moment for sneaking out too much. I'm sorry...
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