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A day at the races
| Open Poetry #44 |
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A day at the races |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Me Dad had a day at the horses He bet two'n’six on a race There were twenty six runners‘n’riders So he risked all his dosh on a place The tape went straight up like a rocket Me Dad's nag sat down on it’s arse Then remembering there was a race on Decided to lengthen the farce It lolloped right up to the first fence That’s a bit like a gallop or trot Apart from there’s less forward motion And the horse tends to wobble a lot It never got over that hurdle Instead it went right round the side Which must have unsettled the jockey Who became disengaged from his ride The jocky-less horse was now on one It mimicked the tape with it’s speed If it hadn’t been going the wrong way It’d surely have taken the lead The bookie was laughing his socks off He said “Norman I’ll tell thee what son I’ll be telling that story til Christmas But I’ll change it so that bugger won" Me Dad who it’s said hailed from Yorkshire Came straight back just as quick as a flash “ If thee’s going to promote yon donkey Ere’s your betting slip pay up me cash” In the twelve twenty seven at Aintree Dad’s horse finished at a quarter to two But me Dad got his five pound’n’sixpence So it turned out a reet royal do.  [This message has been edited by Grinch (02-25-2009 08:12 PM).] |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
That's round about way to win but bully for your Dad. Hope he had an ale afterward and sang a song or two. Take care Eric |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Your humor is subtle and you are as talented as you are clever. I don't care what you say!   |
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tao power Member
since 2009-02-24
Posts 109 |
it's refreshing to read a poem with humor written in a way that tells a story, instead of simply describes a sad emotion. This one would be my favorite in my short time here, if it wasn't for all those funny lymie words. lol. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
HaHaHaHa I love it! turtle |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
When Grinch gets ‘is teeth in t'lyric It's dudgeons down Holloway hall, And Marriot house taint much better Cos ole Grinchys t'best of them all. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
When I was a young whippersnapper And Moses was nowt but a lad I was raised up on Edgar and Stanley As I sat on the knee of me dad He recited the tale of young Albert Et up by a feline in t’zoo And the story of Sam ‘n his Musket And one or two others he knew Me Dad said the words like he meant them In an accent that everyone knew These weren’t mere poems or stories The buggers just had to be true A stick with an ‘orses ‘ed ‘andle How closer can that be to proof And a bloke who won’t pick all his stuff up Is as damn near to gospel the truth |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
The day was not too foggy, at least not as bad as some So, wanting to do a little more than sitting on me bum I got a tip on a horse in the third so off to the track I went Betting on the gee-gees with me final bloody cent. No, I am not a rich man. Just MWS am I But you won’t see no rock n roller beggin’ in me eyes. And I ain’t done no busking or no pleadin’ like a dog. I’ll live me life the way I want until I pop me clog. I sat down next to a gormless wuss, who laughed with drunken voice While glancing at me program and the horse that was me choice. “Shutcher gob!” I told the tosser. I had had enough. “You don’t like him? So ? I couldn’t give a monkey’s chuff!” The bell rang and the race was off! Around the turn they sped.. Me horse was nicely placed in third (he very seldom led). He moved up down the backstretch, into second, then to first No doubt he would be in the money at the very worst! Around the final turn they came and thundered down the stretch! The gobshite standing next to me was now a silent wretch. They passed the final furlong pole, me horse well in the lead. I stood there cheering at the beast with such amazing speed! Scant meters left…the jockey fell right off the horse’s back! I saw the midget laying in the center of the track! He got up and began to run, incensed at what occurred Eight horses and a pigmy in the middle of the herd. I lost me money, sure enough, by that cruel twist of fate. I slumped down, knackered, honking in my upset tummy state. Me horse had been disqualified and finished in last place. The final bit of madness was – the jockey won the race!!!!! |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
He he I love them boys.....Banter on it's a barrel of fun. Eric |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, I learned a lot of new phrases today. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
You didn’t do too bad Mike For a foreigner |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
After "Three Ha'Pence a Foot" by Marriott Edgar Twas a reet rainy night in October When Pa started tale of t'Flood As I sat on ‘is knee wi me rattle And gurgled when story got good He was tellin' t'part where ole Noah Was panelling side of ‘is bunk And nipped down to local Ikea For some cheap nasty melamine junk To say I was shocked would be lyin' Fair gobsmacked is more like the mark For though I was nobbut a nipper I guessed God's high spec for the Ark But Noah jumped into ‘is Skoda (A bucket of rust from abroad) And set off to buy Sweden's finest Or at least what ‘is purse could afford On't way past t'gas works half dreamin' Of nautical gear in gold plate ‘Is eye caught a sign bold but tasteful: "Finest Joiner Samuel Oglethwaite" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
This is just...sexy. I want some warm beer. ooooh. A'righ? I'm goin' to England. with or withoutcher...  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Will someone please pass the Bacon?  |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Blazey I wouldn’t act quick like Migratin’ to these rainy climes Dost tha not know that the whippets are tetchy An the ferrets are cranky oft times? Then there’s our cousins in Y**kshire Yer bound to bump in t’ like An’ they wunt give ya sod all ‘cept trouble There’s nothin as tight as a Tyke To anybody who is reading this to someone from the white rose county I sincerely apologise. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I’m picturing Deer in a flat cap Ee’s On a charry t’ Poulton le Fylde With a roll-up ‘n’ ha'f a black puddin An a bottle of stout or best mild Ey up lad the image ain’t gradley There’s sommat not reet that’s a cert Yer can’t pass the muster up north cock In some shorts ‘n’ a Hey-why-an’ shirt. [This message has been edited by Grinch (02-27-2009 10:27 AM).] |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
After: "Three Ha'Pence a Foot" by Marriott Edgar Twas a reet rainy night in October, When Pa started tale of t'Flood, As I sat on ‘is knee wi me rattle, And gurgled when story got good. ‘E were tellin' t'part where ole Noah Was panelling side of ‘is bunk, And nipped down to local Ikea For some cheap nasty melamine junk. To say I was shocked would be lyin', Fair gobsmacked is more like the mark, For though I was nobbut a nipper I guessed God's high spec for the Ark. But Noah jumped into ‘is Skoda, (A bucket of rust from abroad) And set off to buy Sweden's finest, Or at least what ‘is purse could afford. On't way past t'gas works half dreamin' Of nautical gear in gold plate, ‘Is eye caught a sign bold but tasteful: "Finest Joiner Samuel Oglethwaite". Now Noah ‘e had ‘is high standards, But God's budget for t'Ark had been tight, And things got much worse when t'elephants Started making trunk calls every night. Still, ‘e sat and ‘e reckoned ‘is fortunes, At which many guys might not scoff, For t'missus was so plump with manna That ‘er sitting for Lowry was off. One blot on t'landscape were hippos Who'd faxed their requirements from Crete, They fancied a berth near t'ballroom With a warm foaming plunge pool en-suite. All this time he'd been sitting in Skoda Just eyeing Sam Oglethwaite's place, And now with conflicting emotions ‘E leapt out (with his purse, just in case). Now you folks from parts far and foreign, (Which is all them what's not reared in Lancs) Won't know of t'Oglethwaite family, And ‘ow it wi Royalty ranks. It started with great uncle Harry, Who was cabinet maker t'Queen, ‘E were on tour ransacking Frog Land, Carving totems while sieging Orleans. But Queen who was watchin' proceedings, Yelled, "Harry! yon Frogs are reet tough, If we don't crack ‘em soon we'll miss tea time", Said Harry, "Ee lass, fair enough!" So settin' to work with ‘is whittler, ‘E sliced up a tree tall and stout, ‘E tacked some dried shark fins on t'bottom, And gave it a pointy red snout. Now Winifred Mary Delilah, Was t'name of the Queen of the day, And Harry carved on ‘er initials, Which picked out in woad looked quite gay. The moment the French saw the rocket They quailed, their insides turned to mush, They turned to their venerable leader, "What next do we do Monsieur Bush?!" The guy at the top was decisive, "It looks like a tree painted red, But these English are really quite crafty, We can count on a nuclear head." The upshot was Froggies surrendered, And Queen made it ‘ome for ‘er tea, Where she chinwagged ‘bout Harry's adventures, And ‘ow he'd fooled Bush with a tree. And Harry were reet chuffed by outcome, For after some beef dripping' pie, She asked: "Fancy becoming Sir Harold?" And all ‘e could mutter were, "Aye!" Guess now all you heathens from Yorkshire Might see how old Sam could be proud, For ‘e came from a famous tradition, What had ruddy Frogs proper cowed. So when Noah breezed into workshop, His chest all puffed up with ‘is mission, Sam tilted ‘is chin, and t'atmosphere sparked With bolts of testosterone frisson. "Can I help thee," said Sam barely glancing From where ‘e was fettlin' a block, But Noah just jingled ‘is wallet And cool like surveyed Sam's wood stock. "I said," ground out Sam with a grimace, "Can I help thee, you whiskered old chump", The latter was breathed sotto voce, Just in case God had sent Donald Trump. Then thinking to teach Sam a lesson, For his smart-alec sassy remarks, Noah pulled out t'blueprints from Heaven, And proceeded to lecture on Arks. (And now over to the master, Marriott Edgar, to finish the story) 'E'd gotten the wood for the bulwarks, And all t'other shipbuilding junk, And wanted some nice Bird's Eye Maple To panel the side of 'is bunk. Now Maple were Sam's Mon-o-po-ly; That means it were all 'is to cut, And nobody else 'adn't got none; So 'e asked Noah three ha'pence a foot. 'A ha'pence too much,' replied Noah, 'Penny a foot's more the mark; A penny a foot, and when rain comes I'll give you a ride in me Ark. But neither would budge in the bargain; When whole daft thing were kind of a jam, So Sam put 'is tongue out at Noah, And Noah made 'Long Bacon' at Sam. In wrath and ill-feeling they parted, Not knowing when they'd meet again, And Sam had forgot all about it, 'Til one day it started to rain. It rained and it rained for a fortni't, And flooded the 'old countryside. It rained and it kep' on raining, 'Til the Irwell was fifty miles wide. The 'ouses were soon under water, And folks to the roof 'ad to climb. They said 'twas the rottenest summer That Bury 'ad 'ad for some time. The rain showed no sign of abating, And water rose hour by hour, 'Til the only dry land were at Blackpool, And that were on top of the Tower. So Sam started swimming to Blackpool; It took 'im best part of a week. 'Is clothes were wet through when 'e got there, And 'is boots were beginning to leak. 'E stood to 'is watch-chain in water, On Tower top, just before dark, When who should come sailing towards 'im But old Noah, steering 'is Ark. They stared at each other in silence, 'Til Ark were alongside, all but, Then Noah said: 'What price yer Maple?' Sam answered: 'Three ha'pence a foot.' Noah said 'Nay; I'll make thee an offer, The same as I did t'other day. A penny a foot and a free ride. Now, come on, lad, what does tha' say?' 'Three ha'pence a foot,' came the answer. So Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist, And sailed off again in a dudgeon, While Sam stood determined, but moist. Noah cruised around, flying 'is pigeons, 'Til fortieth day of the wet, And on 'is way back, passing Blackpool, 'E saw old Sam standing there yet. 'Is chin just stuck out of the water; A comical figure 'e cut. Noah said: 'Now, what's the price of yer Maple?' Sam answered: 'Three ha'pence a foot.' Said Noah: 'Ye'd best take my offer; It's last time I'll be hereabout; And if water comes half an inch higher, I'll happen get Maple for nowt.' 'Three ha'pence a foot it'll cost yer, And as fer me,' Sam said, 'don't fret. The sky's took a turn since this morning; I think it'll brighten up yet. (Bye Marriott ... me again) And always when Pa finished telling I bit on my rattle in ire, Coz the thought of old Sam on the tower top Set my Lancashire blood all afire. "But Pa!" I would yell in a tantrum, With me face gettin' all flushed and vexed; "Did Noah get maple for nowt then? I wanna know what happened next!" ........... The full text and MP3 audio of Marriott Edgar's poem here: [URL=http://homepage.ntlworld.com/barnicle/stanley/words/three%20ha%27pence%20a%20foot.htm]http://homepage.ntlworld.com/barnicle/stanley/words/three%20ha%27pence%20a%20foot.htm[/UR L] [This message has been edited by moonbeam (03-02-2009 04:55 AM).] |
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