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Revelation

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chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


0 posted 02-04-2009 05:47 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for chopsticks

It could maybe take a long time.
Could even take a hundred years.
But melted ice is sure coming.
We’ll be in water to our ears.

Tell it not in mournful numbers,
That all the time we had it wrong.
What will be is what we’re getting
And now we sing a  different song.

The greatest of the worlds scientist,
Have come to this one conclusion,
The  great planet earth is going,
Through the latent heat of  fusion.

Could be before we cash our chips,
In central park they’ll anchor ships

[This message has been edited by chopsticks (02-05-2009 07:43 AM).]

© Copyright 2009 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 02-05-2009 02:00 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Chops,

This sonnet has almost everything. It has the appropriate number of lines. All but one line is
an equal eight beats in length. It has a good conclusion. It even has the turn on line nine.

Lets pretend your Grandmother is hard of hearing, but she reads well.
Because she is hard of hearing, she doesn't know that this cataclysm is coming.

Now your Granny lives in a condo, on a beach in Florida. It is important that you let her know
....so she can buy some wadders.

If this were a letter to granny, would you write this?

It could maybe take a long time.Could even take a hundred years.But melted ice is sure coming.We’ll
be in water to our ears.Tell it not in mournful numbers,That all the time we had it wrong.Cause hindsight
is twenty twenty. And now we sing a different song.The greatest of the worlds scientist, Have come to
this one conclusion,The great planet earth is going,Through the latent heat of fusion.Could be before we
cash our chips,In central park they’ll anchor ships.


By the time she gets to melting ice she's going to be up checking the refrigerator to make sure it's plugged in.

You want to tell granny what you've heard and what you believe it will mean to her. To do that, you need to explain
the subject of your letter right out of the gate.

Dear Granny,

Up North they say the ice is melting, though it could take a hundred years. I really don't want you to
worry, but water may soon reach your ears. Experts now speak in mournful numbers, they seem to think
they've got it wrong. At first dispelling our concerns, but now they sing a dif'rent song.

The Earth, it seems, is spinning wildly and science fears what is to come. It  may be time to move to
Denver, but then there is that burning sun. I hope, before you cash your chips, your livingroom won't
anchor ships.

Now tell her to buy them extra-large hip-wadders so she can pull 'em up over her ears.

Turtle      
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


2 posted 02-05-2009 07:54 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Turtle, you are hilarious , lucky forum to have you here.

“All but one line is an equal eight beats in length “

Which line ?


.


[This message has been edited by chopsticks (02-05-2009 08:39 AM).]

turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


3 posted 02-05-2009 03:32 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Chops,

Actually there are 2. Like you, I often read different as 2 syllables, but it is three: diff-er-ent.
scientests is also 3 syllables: sci-en-tests.

It is possible to write iambic tetrameter using 9 syllables. Even Frost himself has used it in his
work. These are unaccented syllables at the beginning, or end of a line.

If I write:

Up North they say the ice is melting,
With sleeting rain, the hail is pelting.

These are 9 syllable lines, but it is perfect iambic tetrameter. Poe was another that often used this.

It looks as though you are still struggling with meter. I too had a hard time getting a grasp on this
concept, until I read Steele's dissertation on meter. In this he explains that each foot is an individual
entity, independent of the other feet in a line. I suddenly realized that all I need do is divide a line up
into its individual feet and simply concentrate on one foot at a time.

If I take the first line of yout poem:

"It could maybe take a long time."

And divide it up into the individual feet of iambic meter. I get:

It could / maybe / take a / long time.

Here you have three trochee and a spondee. We can get into semantics later, but, for now, lets just
concentrate on the meter. The first foot is easy to fix by simply changing 'it could" to "could it", but
the next foot "maybe" is not as easy. So I know that I will need to find a different way to express this foot.

Nothing comes to mind, so I go to the web site:

http://www.rhymezone.com

I type the word "maybe" into the word box, then click on the down arrow next to the function box and select
"Find related words". Then I click the "Go get it!" button. There are a couple of words that express
"maybe" in iambic meter "perhaps" and 'perchance". I like "perchance" so I will use that. I now have:

"Could it, perchance,"

And half of the line is written.

There are several ways to fix the next foot "take a". You could simply change "a" to a pronoun "us", but that
might require that you still use "a" in the next foot. You are using "take" to express the thought "employ"

So, again I go to rhymezone to search for words related to "take" and find several. The two that I
feel best describes what I want to say are "demand" and "require" for simplicity's sake lets use "require"

In the last foot "long time" it is too difficult to distinguish where the stress belongs in this foot. Again I go to
rhymezone and search for words related to "long time" I see the word "years". Hmmm
"some years" would express the same thing in better iambic meter, so I'll use that instead.

Now I have:

"Could it, perchance, require some years"

This expresses exactly what you are trying to say in the first line of your poem in iambic tetrameter.

Turtle        
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


4 posted 02-21-2009 09:20 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hey chops,

Sorry to butt in your thread buddy.

Let me show this girl how to use resources.

Hey nina,

If you want help, go back to your thread and I'll show you.

 
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