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tales of the night
| Open Poetry #23 |
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tales of the night |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium 
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Mercury shall be burning so close to the sun and one day the crystal ball shall explode as the unknown shall unfold till then we can all smile for that day electric rain may fall and like great rivers heavy tears might flow then in rapid currents we could all be caught and be touched by sorcery-tipped hands of nightmarish evil prophecies echo inside of every ear and a board hangs on Nelson reading ‘the end is near’ as his stabbed heart bleeds forever ferocious like floods when the levee breaks little drops of Jupiter are guiding us for now like melting snow from cosmic clouds with sweet dreams of velvet happiness sleep well darlings all the young and old rub your lovely eyes and let the sand fall out for the sandman is here to put you all to slumber soon it shall be the night of halloween and the prince of all vice shall return to scare wearing a pumpkin mask |
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| © Copyright 2002 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I tried, Sudhir...I tried to pick out just a line or two that stood out? But they each stood alone... and then formed invisible hands, and danced their stanzas around me! A perfect end-o'-month read!  |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Nice to read from you, Sudhir. I have a few things I'd like to mention, so I'm going to take this one stanza at a time. quote: You've already introduced a very clear and definite tone and element of mystery... your clear descriptions of inevitability in this stanza, use of things like "one day" and "shall," makes this extremely ominous... it reads through like a prophecy, as does much of the following poem. A word of criticism? "As the unknown shall unfold" sounds a bit gramatically taboo... I think when you say "as" you have to write the following statement in present tense. "The crystal ball shall explode as the unknown unfolds," or a slight rewording to try and keep "unfold" from having an S at the end... as you may or may not want. It's up to you, really. quote: It seems like your predictions are becoming less and less sure of themselves, as the poem flows into this stanza. You convert from "shall" into "may" or "might." I think that this is meant to describe the second set of prophecies as a possible response to the first, more inevitable ones... "till then we can all smile" fits into this poem quite awkwardly, but I can see its purpose. It is meant to take the poem more into the present and have it as something spoken, rather than simply have the poem be entirely prophetic as is most of it. quote: You're getting more into the present tense now... I like what you've done with this stanza very much. You use a couple of absolutes, "every" and "forever." Even this present tense description is written prophetically, and I really admire your ability to create a consistency of theme even beyond that theme's literal content. I really loved how you described his bleeding heart as "ferocious like floods." That is a perfect compliment to the rest of the poem's style. quote: Maybe my mythology is a bit off... but I'm not sure what to get from the "little drops of Jupiter." I've heard the term "drops of Jupiter" before but never bothered to learn exactly what it meant. I did notice, though, that your imagery in this stanza is becoming less absolute and more earthly, with the exception of "cosmic clouds," which is still somewhat earthly in that clouds are visible and tangible. "Sweet dreams of velvet happiness," I really like... as it describes the deluded state of those who do not worry about the future, about what might happen as your prophecies dictate. quote: This conclusion is perfect... you've drawn warily away from your beginning subject matter and now insist that comfort must be taken in the present. The reference to the sandman caught my eye, and I was wondering if it had any special meaning... but I'm pretty sure that it's just another symbol describing the comfort that should be taken, the sound sleep that one should confide in the present. quote: This ending really trips me up, however... I'm sitting here trying to interperet its meaning. The closest thing I could conjure is that, the prince of all vice... is some kind of earthly worry that replaces any prophetic, future problem? That people confide their fears and anxieties into something so simple, so earthly, that it is healthy for them? I can't entirely understand the ending, but that's the meaning I drew from it... I really, really enjoyed this poem, Sudhir. It's great to be reading from you again, and I hope to see more of your work in the future. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people Before you place your poetry before the people. ~Andrey Kneller [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (10-15-2002 07:12 AM).] |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Karilea, thank you so very much for your words of highest compliments...  LP , you have delved deep into this and I am grateful for that; for your time, and your wonderful response, and thank you for showing me the way you think.You are right about the last line of the first stanza. I wrote something and then changed, and can't rememeber what... I think I meant and instead of as. And as for the ending, I connected words "evil" from last word of second stanza to "prince of vice" ... it could be interpreted as a clear and present danger maybe "a war of men?"... I would like to see if any body else has other opinions on that... but thanks a lot for all your words/remarks. Regards to both of you, Sudhir |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Wow! That was some indepth reply from LP! My mind works more simply. I either like something or I don't. I like this poem! EA |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Sudhir, Alot of effort, alot of thought, alot of sadness. But the write is excellent. |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Sudhir, I agree with Earth Angel... I can't delve too critically into a poem.. I read to enjoy...and this piece I truly did. Wonderful write!! ~Hugs~ ~ Time has cast a spell on you |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Yes, me neither, for I believe everyone has their own unique voice and I love that so therefore I just read what I like and say just how it made me feel in my heart! (big hugggssssss) This is delightful, sweet friend, this fits the Halloween tradition so well, yay, I love it, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Sudhir, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
EA, thanks so much for your simplicity and the Wow... Seymour, thanks a lot for the 'excellent' Nancy, I am glad that you enjoyed this one... thanks for coming by and your kind words... Noah, you have no idea how much your coming by means to me... thanks for your lovely compliments as always... Regards to all, Sudhir P.S. Sometimes simplistically written words come back with a lot of underlying meaning, and every reader chooses to look and search... I think that what makes a write useful... I am pleased to come up with one of those works... |
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