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DarkenedShadow
Member

since 2001-07-23

Posts 114
Kansas

0 posted 2001-07-25 04:06 PM

Alright I'm going to let you all on a little secert, I suck when it comes to rhyme,and you'll see why...

Hold my hand forever and promise we will never part.
For you,as my dearest friend,has captured my heart.
Many ill be-gotten fates have been delt upon you.
Now,as I always ask myself,what can I help or do?

My greatest fear now is losing someone as precious as you.
I know there can be one way which to help you through.
I will hold tightly onto your hand and never let go.
Beacuse I know that you leaving me just isn't so.

For this to work though,you'll have to hold mine too.
And know in your heart there's nothing I wouldn't do.
So,keep yourself next to me so we will never part.
In turn we will forever hold:
Two hands and One heart.

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

1 posted 2001-07-25 05:30 PM

Beautifully written, and hey, even if you think you don't rhyme well, that doesn't matter. You know how to use simple rhymes to show your feelings and write beautiful poetry. You arrange your rhymes so nicely here. It also flowed well. I loved the way you ended the poem. Great work!

-haeL

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

pure_innocence
Member

since 2001-07-14

Posts 80
Colorado, US

2 posted 2001-07-25 07:34 PM

Awwwwwww!!!! How sweet! Regardless of rhyme rhythm it was a beautiful message and a great way to express emotions!! I enjoyed reading, thanks for sharing!

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

3 posted 2001-07-25 10:05 PM

It's almost impossible to go into complex rhymes from the beginning. I started off with simple rhymes, and still use them all the time. Trust me, it can be frustrating trying to come up with a word that rhymes the very descriptive word you want to use, and still fits the poem.

-Kosetsu

"Love, like the Rose, is desired. And like the Rose, Love has its thorns." - Unknown

fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

4 posted 2001-07-25 10:41 PM

There are some great songs and poems built on simple rhyme. No need to beat yourself up over it. As long as it makes sense though...

Good job here.

"and Death i think is no paranthesis"-e.e. cummings

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

5 posted 2001-07-26 01:39 AM

Yes, I too hate to write in rhyme. I always feel mine turn out to sound little kiddish. HeHe...
ANYWAY- I thought you did a good job in rhyming. It flowed well. Showed your thoughts wonderfully.
My critique- very minor...but this bothers me bad about people haha
"For you,as my dearest friend,has captured my heart.: Change has to "have" you wouldn't say "You has my heart"...you'd say have...SO ya- needs to be changed.
Other than that- Nicely done.

Hellseyes
Member

since 2001-07-25

Posts 120
Kansas, USA

6 posted 2001-07-26 11:43 AM

hey man this is da sh!t, but i think if your going to ryhme try starting out with short verses you'll like it better../Drew/

JBaker515

Member

since 2001-02-28

Posts 458
Dartmouth College

7 posted 2001-07-26 01:45 PM

This was well..written, and the rythme was good.
Great JOB!!

~Jeff~

"Within you I lose myself
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again."

Punk Angel
Member

since 2001-07-25

Posts 66
Pennsylvania, US

8 posted 2001-07-26 03:07 PM

wow what a beautiful poem!! ur ryming was alrite, mines not that great either!!

we love what is lost, but does what we lost love us back??

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

9 posted 2001-07-26 04:27 PM

Well done here. I liked this one a lot. You did great.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

10 posted 2001-07-26 04:48 PM

Good work. rythming is hard. i cant rythm for the life of me....Good work I loved the title...and the very last line, ended it very well.

Regina

If you only understood my pain then maybe you could learn to be my friend. Be there. My crying shoulder. The smiles. And the caring i need to survive.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

11 posted 2001-07-31 12:23 PM

Don't worry about the rhyming

Some of us poets are meant to be free style writers. If you like rhyme, then keep practicing! You can only get better. If not, then don't torture yourself!

I really enjoyed this poem. It was SO sweet! Nicely done.. I look forward to seeing more from you.. soon, I hope

Nice work.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

12 posted 2001-08-01 03:12 AM

beautiful...such a sweet piece...well written...i liked it.

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 08-01-2001).]

Shygirl82
Member

since 2001-02-19

Posts 245
Ilinois

13 posted 2001-08-01 03:17 AM

Beautifully written...I really loved this one! Such a sweet concept.
~Nikki~

It takes only a minute to like someone, a hour to love someone, but a lifetime to forget them.

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