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Stranded
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Stranded |
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Samantha New Member
since 1999-08-01
Posts 1Tomah, WI USA |
I couldn’t do more than you would let me do. I could only stand by and watch in confusion, As you packed up your life, so nonchalantly, And left it by the side of the road of life, Like broken furniture and wilted lettuce, Waiting for the sanitary engineers to take them away. I could only watch with my curious innocence, As you pulled a borrowed box of matches, From deep within your otherwise empty pocket, And fondled them with an insidious grin, Crawling from the corners of your mouth. I could only stare in utter disbelief, As your deceptively corrupt fingers, Struck one of the selfless matches. The eager flame crept up the black paper stem, And kissed your sensitive little fingers. Stunned, you dropped the tiny torch. I could see the flames shimmer in your eyes, As your discarded life sprung to life, With glorious flames licking the sky. The flames slowly subsided as their fuel demised, And only smoldering ashes were left to scatter. I couldn’t stop my jaw from falling, As you turned your back so coldly, And began to walk away from what remained, Of your former –now disposed of- life, A pile of festering embers and me. I couldn’t find the words to plead or beg, As you climbed into your car so calmly, Started the engine and drove away, Never looking in the rear view mirror, To see me begging you to take me too. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Samantha - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Robin2 New Member
since 1999-08-17
Posts 5UK |
This is a very powerful and emotive piece, the pain is clear to see. Something that bothers me, though, is the level of repetition of key words. "As your discarded life sprung to life," for instance. This is a good double play on the meaning of 'life' but it grates. Similarly you use 'flame' or 'flames' four times in seven lines. Try breakin it up with fire, or blaze. When you describe the match as a torch is an example of how well it works. Very good work though, keep posting. Robin |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
As Robin said ... the repetition of words ... occurs again in lines 3 and 4 with "life" ... Line 6 ... "sanitary engineers" sticks out like a sore thumb ... maybe that was your intent ... but I think it doesn't fit with the image you are trying to give ... Otherwise this is a very good piece of work ... you wrote your subject well ... and "smile creeping from the corners of your mouth," in my opinion, is a very creative line ... I can almost see the smile ... good job ------------------ "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus" (When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.") |
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