Dare To Ask Why - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

M. Rivera
Junior Member

since 1999-07-22

Posts 13
San Francisco

0 posted 1999-07-22 03:02 PM

DARE TO ASK WHY

I know how much I care,
How much I wouldn't dare
to leave your pair of
powerful hands.
You own all lands.
As everything is laid bare
before your eyes,
it makes me ask why;
why I try to do things
on my own,
even things I know you
would not condone.
Why can't I remember that you
are in charge, you set
everything in it's exact
time and place,
even before I touch or taste.
You are the judge we
come before;
you are the hinge
that opens the door.
You are the sweet, soft air
that I inhale,
the breath of
life that cannot fail.
You leave me with your
daily words to follow,
those words are never hollow.
These words are released
from your very chest,
these words often test.
They require the use for
instruction and often necessary
for rebuke;
they even refute.
These words should never
be taken for granted,
they have been handed-
to your fellow learners.
We are not to turn into the
branch of a tree that often
is broken off and withers,
because when we wither-we are
swept away by the dark
dusty black smoke,
and snatched by a rope
that won't let go.
We reap what we sow-
down into the hole
of darkness, then
casted into the lake of fire.
If we allow ourselves to fall,
our time with you has expired.
Oh how much you reveal to me,
how much I do not seem to see.
How much you try to make me wise,
and how much I seem to despise-
with diobedience. Your love
is still so grand,
you always lend
your loving hand.
Your hand comes with
the promise of
never giving me more
than I can bear.
Even if I can't see
you there.
Your everlasting strength
is with great power,
one the dark can never devour.
Now you command me to be
as much like the one you sent,
now is the time to repent.
To repent in love, and compassion.
To remove the heart of stone;
so that one day soon, I can
accompany you back home.
To the true home of everlasting
beauty and treasure.
With this nothing could ever measure.
This home will never be broken into,
it lasts forever!

M.Rivera

[This message has been edited by M. Rivera (edited 07-29-99).]

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

1 posted 1999-07-27 05:33 PM

This would be sooo much better, and much easier to comprehend if it was in verse.

You have some good stuff here, try putting it in a different format so it can really be enjoyed.

------------------
Dum spiro, spero
JP

elvira
Senior Member

since 1999-07-06

Posts 936
California

2 posted 1999-08-18 05:00 AM

i see you have rhyming words in here...try ending each line with that word perhaps, and maybe count the syllables in each line to make it flow smoother, perhaps alternating short and long lines?...as JP said, the content is well worth the read

------------------
PS: have you been to "The Alley" lately and cast your vote for "on a roll"?

M. Rivera
Junior Member

since 1999-07-22

Posts 13
San Francisco

3 posted 1999-08-18 11:15 AM

Thank you Elvira for your input. It was very helpful. Hopefully I'm able to figure out how to do it the way you suggest, so that it is easier to read, and so that it flows better. I have not went into "The Alley" to cast my vote on anything yet. I'll have to check into that. Did you have a chance to read my other poem called, KNOCK AND UNLOCK? Maybe you can check that one out, and comment on that. Thanks.

mister61
Junior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 41
bergen county, nj

4 posted 1999-08-18 01:50 PM

I agree with the other comments about format and content; this is really good but is a little hard to read. I had a whole different idea of what this was about in the beginning of your poem. To be honest, it gave me the feeling at first that you were describing a relationship with a really controlling person that you love. As you went on more, it was clearer to me it was much more spiritual than that. I really like the way it kind of reveals itself more as you go into more detail.

M. Rivera
Junior Member

since 1999-07-22

Posts 13
San Francisco

5 posted 1999-08-18 02:44 PM

Awh, Mister61, you are so funny! I can't believe you thought I was speaking on being in a relationship with a controlling person. Man, if that were true, I wouldn't want any one to comment on a poem I wrote about it, I would want someone to slap me! Thank you for your input!

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

6 posted 1999-08-20 08:40 PM

The one thing that I do not question after reading this is your devotion to your subject. It was very heartfelt.

BUT ... I would suggest that this poem would flow a great deal more smoothly if you made the lines longer rather than shorter; try to complete a thought in one line. It will make the poem much easier to read, especially if you don't want to rhyme it. That is my (inexpert) opinion.

------------------
"Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus"
(When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.")

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.