Nights that falter - pipTalk Forums

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Teen Poetry #7

Nights that falter

Don_Juan
Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 252
Far from where I am going

0 posted 2004-09-22 10:55 PM

Nights that falter

thrown to be grown
through nights that falter
and mornings that never come
ripped up through the cracks
of an arrid tile floor
of organised failure
suspension, dejection, and regression
of the failed
wither away and fall to nothing
under the shoe of a successful few
argumentative and horribly hideous
suffocating those inferior
with a cheap
sheet of plastic
now I just can't breathe
ripped to particles
until life after life
floating and free
of expectation
from a society
feeding on success
can you fail if success by standard isn't your concern?
How about if you never fail by your standards?
fail being just a word
used by the overseers
to hold human beings
to a set standard of living
when you can never fail
unless your mind allows submission
to the pressure of society

(just a free time poem. comments would be appreciated. please tell me what you really think.)

nice use of muffin

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2004-09-25 11:15 AM

it was alright. At one section, you used the word "of" too closely together and in another section it was the word "Failure" or some variation of it. The best way to rid a poem of overused words is to use a thesaurus. They are incredibly helpful. keep writing.

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