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Teen Poetry #7
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Perfect Imperfection
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Perfect Imperfection |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Yeah, its about a rose... the most cliched object in poetry. I suck. Haha, I wanted to try to make it original. But tell me what you think. Brilliant cherry fades to crimson brown like blood drying from a wound as it screams for water— its petals grow weak and withered like me. This beautiful blossom, this clichéd symbol of all that’s pure and perfect in this world seems to cry as water droplets stain its diminishing color, and vivid red wrinkles fold like heavy veins, on weary, traveled hands. The front door slowly opens— a crack of light reveals a smile as she sees the flowers in my hand. Head down, I hand them to her, that pitiful, wilted bundle of affection. Yet as I look up, I can see a smile forming, and a heart singing, and a hug impending, and a kiss approaching, and I begin to realize that these flowers are perfect, just like the girl they are for. |
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sweet_cute_palestinian04 Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418Earth |
wow wow wow...amzing keep posting please love and respect.. peace I will cover you with my blood,not only because |
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Stepharoo Member
since 2004-05-04
Posts 149Washington, USA |
Wow this is so cute! I love it. Keep it up! |
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peachesNcream Senior Member
since 2001-08-21
Posts 513Ocean Of Tears |
Yes, a rose in poetry is VERY cliche. lol BUT!...you did an AWESOME job on this poem. The first stanza was most def the best part...the description and all. Great work! ~Jess  "Hopeless romantics are only hopeless in the eyes of those who don't believe in romance." -Unknown |
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aussie teen Member
since 2003-09-27
Posts 396Australia |
this is beautiful..... the imagery in this is amazing..... hope you keep up the writing... Mel so this is me but what do you care about that???? |
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Fleur Member
since 2004-04-09
Posts 103 |
Ohhhhhhhh!! How sweettttt!!! So romanticccc!! Loved it.. |
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Rommance_Touch Member
since 2004-05-07
Posts 97 |
Hey!!!Amazing Poem.... ~~~Rommance_Touch~~~ ~~Not_Ended~~ |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
um...your slightly adorable for writing this. eh...um...I can't say I don't like it, cause I do. good attempt. |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Lexy- Not sure what your trying to say... Positive or negative... any suggestions? Thanks to everyone who responded though... I'll revise it later, as I rushed through the second stanza (which is clear). The comments were appreciated though. |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
although roses are cliche, it's still a good poem. It's a nice thought, and i loved the closing lines, if this were about me, I would feel very special. |
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Greeneyes 
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
Brilliant cherry fades to crimson brown----wordy use one color or feeling to convey this? like blood drying from a wound as it screams for water— its petals grow weak and withered like me. –ok here you have it weak and withered yet beautiful—maybe rearrange the phrasing and move the line or take it out….. This beautiful blossom, this clichéd symbol --- take this ‘clichéd symbol’ out pure and perfect -- as water droplets stain diminishing color, and vivid—again you have two that cancel each other diminish and vivid red wrinkles fold heavy veins, traveled hands. The front door slowly opens— a crack of light reveals a smile as she sees the flowers in my hand. Head down, I hand them to her, that pitiful, wilted bundle of affection.—was it this feeling you were going for? Why not a happy one? Yet as I look up, I can see a smile forming, a heart singing, a hug impending, a kiss approaching, I begin to realize that these flowers are perfect, just like the girl they are for. Over all, and only because you asked, this is good, but would suggest taking some o f the extra words out the “ands” ect… make your words stand out by trying some that have impact and emotion…..you have a few lines that I have placed in bold that cancel each other out, one feeling or the other….make sense? This is a beautiful emotion, for both you and she….tell her that with your affection, and emotion….. ~~**~~ |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Greeneyes - Thank you so much for your post.... I guess resposes like yours are more what I'm looking for, although I never expect getting one so thorough as yours in a teen forum. I'll most likely try posting some of my favorites in the other forum for a while, but thank you for taking the time to write what you did about mine... you wrote some great things that I missed completely (truth is, I wrote this poem in about 5 minutes, and I didn't even really for it, just wanted a post like yours to help make it better). Again, your words meant a lot. Thanks |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I don't mind the cliche so much as the weight of gimmick and the extent to which your poem relies on it. For example, I'd like you to justify your awkward line breaks here: quote: I really don't see why you chose to place line breaks in such unusual places. It doesn't help the flow very much. I much prefer where your line break is meaningful and presents a smooth transition for the reader, such as right here: quote: This is a little better, and I'd rather the rest of the poem had shared this means of line breaks serving more of a purpose in terms of spoken punctuation (as each line is essentially a fragment of a larger thought), instead of interrupting a line where it doesn't seem to require interruption. I've noticed this habit quite a bit, particularly in young free-versists, and it's probably owed to the fact that line break is one of the only consistent formal elements of free verse. Even if you have some creative purpose behind this, and it was lost on me, I'd like you to ask yourself whether or not it's worth the harm done to the overall flow of the piece. You also have a long way to go in terms of subtlety. Learn what not to say. quote: The choice of closing line isn't giving your reader a lot of credit. Omit the last line and you'll find that your poem is just vague enough for it not to make the reader feel like he's being spoken down at. A little mystery in terms of meaning is always a good thing; or at least, it's much better than ending your poem with an interpretation. Try to have your poem say what the last line says instead of saying the poem, and then saying the last line just in case the rest of it was lost on your audience. I also don't like the "I" in this particular poem. Try getting rid of it, or telling the story without characterizing yourself. The passive role you took throughout the first 2/3 of the poem suits it much better, in my opinion. Could you try describing her without interrupting the scene by placing yourself in it? Just a few suggestions, take them or leave them. I'm an amateur poet myself so I'm probably not the greatest person to be advising you, these are just things I've noticed about your writing that I've had to get over in terms of my own. Best of luck. Brian "God becomes as we are that we may be as he is." ~William Blake |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
oh how sweet! I really did like this one, though I have to say I agree with Lauren(greeneyes) on the taking the "this cliched symbol" out, and also with Local paradise on the "I" and I see where he is coming from in omiting the last line...but I like it personally! Very pretty write, I enjoyed it. ~Live and Laugh~ The memories are worth the pain when the happiness is outweighs the sorrow |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Thanks again for all the responses... I'm feeling spoiled with all the critiquing to my work. But really, all these posts have been great. I've always been horrible with line breaks (something I learned a while ago, but havn't done much to fix). I will also work on those "weak" lines and take them out. I've also been told that I should do more showing, and less telling... I agree a lot with the last line. Again, thanks for the great respones. I'll try to help others as much as ya'll have helped me. |
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Jeremy Halstead Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 569Morris, Ill. U.S.A |
personally, I think you did a pretty good job of writing about the rose in a fresh way. Your descriptions were vivid, yet not too complicated and you tied it all together nicely. It was beatifull man, good stuff. Jeremy Be it in the truest form, or a desperate lack thereof, fail not to understand that the inspiration is love. |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
I thought it was very sweet, and while sometimes bordering, nearly stepping (but always narrowly avoiding) cliché, it didn't bother me here. The reason being that you are not trying to age yourself in this poem. you are just writing poetry that is perfectly appropriate for a teenager and shows that you are in no hurry to grow up. it may sound silly for me to say, but actually, i've seen very few people manage that. so yes, refreshing to read, although i expect i have yet to see greater stuff written by you. |
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