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Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

0 posted 2004-03-23 10:55 PM

See that dust on your countertop...
that's the crumbs that are chipping off of my clumsy heart.

You glance to the north,
scuff like sand paper my heart.
You taste like blueberry rain,
and I can't brush away this after taste.

A firm grasp, a release that leaves you with my star dust all over your black shirt.
Sparkle beautiful, shine like your mine.

Something so close.
Your at the brink of my cliffs,
jump down and I'll lift you higher then you've ever known.
The vulcures circle in and threaten to darken my light.
I attempt to inject strength into your bones but your having allergic reactions to my taste.

Another chunk of my heart.
Sand paper hands.
I'm dust on your countertop.
Lets hope for the best,
let your chest expand.

davidmerriman
Member

since 2003-04-30

Posts 123
Dallas, TX

1 posted 2004-03-24 06:39 PM

i've read quite a few of your poems, and i like your writing because of your command of the language.

i have a recommendation for you though. i'd try using less metaphor, because really, anything could be going on in most of your poems. I run into the same problem myself; I'll have an original idea throughout the writing of the poem, but my sprinkling of metaphors start to obscure the meaning I'm trying to convey, and turn it melodramatic.

we are both young writers who want to polish our crafts, so i wish i could give your work a mature eye, but oh wells. :-)

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

2 posted 2004-03-25 07:24 PM

This was seriously awesome. I loved it. I wouldn't suggest changing anything, but that's just my opinion. Wonderful write.

"I...I bleed...For no one..but myself...For me and no one else!"~ MudVaYne

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

3 posted 2004-03-26 02:11 AM

I really like this one, not my favorite of yours but still good.
I especially like the line, "Sparkle beautiful, shine like you're mine."

W.W.
We were meant to live for so much more have we lost ourselves?
Maybe redemption has stories to tell maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.

loner187
Member

since 2004-03-21

Posts 106
Upstate New York

4 posted 2004-03-26 08:21 PM

"You taste like blueberry rain,
and I can't brush away this after taste."

i love these lines. As usual, i liked this poem a lot. Not enjoyed as much as some of your others, but still liked. Nice write up and great imagery.

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."
-Franklin P. Jones

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