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Teen Poetry #7

The Circle or the Spiral?

croyles
Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 102

0 posted 2004-01-28 05:18 PM

This is my first ever poem. Sorry anyone who has already read this in another forum! And yes, it IS about teen life, wether you see it or not. Hope you enjoy it!
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The Circle or the Spiral?:

In subtle tremble, from shrieking despair,
Begins a fresher search for cryptic task.
Crowds aback of silent burden i bear;-
My luminous core hides, here comes shadow's mask.

O such vastly woe,
Such grief and fear of self.
But why afraid of friend and foe?
Coz reason clusters in young minds shelf.

Unexpectadly, around I go;-
Around the circle or up the spiral,
Which of these I do not know,
I cannot choose the path to go.

Shadows left for hope that sings,
From such peaceful song,
And the whiff of fear that stings,
Could not knife me wrong.

So gloomy clouds spread afar, high up in the air,
And dominating darkness, that I so despise,
Did diminish fair.

I wished for it lifelong,
though so soon faltered and twisted,
Did this grateful song.
So seeming as though fate insisted.

Shadows crept in my new born world,
Quivered to form dark forgotten visions,
That wants one, but me, to do incisions!
Did I fail to have this nightmare hurled?

"Creativity is more inportant than knowledge." Albert Einstein.

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

1 posted 2004-01-28 08:11 PM

I like it. Nice word usage and vivid descriptions. The flow seems off in a few places. Try reading it to yourself aloud?

-Adam

Your life was lost; sweetheart I grieve for you
Sweetheart, I wish there was something I could do
But sweetheart, there's no hope for you

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