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jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

0 posted 2003-09-27 01:00 AM

Wilted rose petals in the ashes of old lovers,
Breaking your heart, but remember the smell,
Which now you find sickening and tart,
Un-bearing, do you feel safe in the arms of another,
Or dirty and displaced, suffocating emotions
Till you can’t stand it, in a dark depression,
Cut from those around you, the world,
Crumbling down on your shoulders,
Sore and heavy, like a broken heart beating,
Right out of your chest, cold, shaking, and unmoved,
In the bed, it’s been like this for days...
One after another…
Hidden under covers,
Wilted rose petals in the ashes of old lovers.

aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

1 posted 2003-09-27 04:25 AM

this is a really great poem. i havent read anything like this before and its origional. as i said before its really good and keep up the writing.
Aussie teen

magic_612
Member

since 2003-07-31

Posts 190
NB, Canada

2 posted 2003-09-27 09:56 AM

I loved the last line.. very good work.

jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

3 posted 2003-09-27 04:23 PM

thank you guys!

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

4 posted 2003-10-02 08:29 AM

I really liked this poem but I do have one critique: I don't really like the fact that you state the first sentence AGAIN as the last sentence...this just doesn't seem like the type of poem that does that. But hey, that's just my opinion! *smiles* Great write!

~J.Lynn

**To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.**

Silent Evincar
Member

since 2003-07-22

Posts 179
Here There and Places Between

5 posted 2003-10-02 10:52 PM

Wilted and ashed away, slowly the soul disenegrates away unto nothingness. Hmmm I'm not finding a problem with this. Nice.

NJS

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

6 posted 2003-10-03 12:49 PM

raoring out at his girlfriends decision. darn this temptation island. if only things were different. (this has been the ramblings of dertah) good write.

jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

7 posted 2003-10-03 04:55 PM

thanks guys, glad you enjoyed!

overtyoureyes
New Member

since 2003-10-03

Posts 5

8 posted 2003-10-03 06:33 PM

wicked **** , dude.

kudos...

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