Speckled Canvas of the Stellar Unknown

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Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

0 posted 2006-01-17 01:56 PM

The tangled oak fingers
    gently reaching into view
though now dormant
    breaking the clear image of the stellar unknown
  a plane streaks through the speckled canvas
intruding it's red flash    upon natures backdrop
  the clarity accented    by seasons decorations
The brilliance carries an almost euphoric peace
  yet seperating the average from the zealous
Bringing loved ones     together
   to share joy
and caring thoughts
           But we're apart
you are forced to pretend     you don't care
   to pretend      you'd rather be with him
I heard it in your voice       in the message
  And i'm forced    to continue biting my tongue
Reminiscing sharing the view
     gazing into the canvas
through your eyes          they were beautiful.
    Breath shortened   at such a soft gaze
  dissolving into you
rendered defeated   still at the thought
    but laid low
to be your silent servant in love

* this is still the rough edit of this, but i wanted to get some opinions on it before i started my revisions so any extra comments would be awesome
thanks all
-mike

Life is a torment and torment an enigma. So burn the shackles of slavery and let love run free
-i wrote it somewhere in time

Musicmaker1969

Senior Member

since 2000-06-25

Posts 589
Peterborough, Ontario Canada

1 posted 2006-01-18 12:51 PM

This sounds like you are very sad about losing a girlfriend/wife, etc. It is very well written and I like the way you have it thought out. If you think it needs improvement, I don't know where you'd put it. It is very good prose, which I very well suck at. All my poems have to rhyme, so I commend you for being able to write freely without rhyme and rhythm.
Sheri Adams

Jesus lives in my heart! He can in yours too!!!
Sheri Liegh Adams
sheriliegh@sympatico.ca

Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

2 posted 2006-01-18 01:39 PM

thank you for the kind words.. i used to have to rhyme all my work but i had an excellent writing teacher that got me on the track of trying to expand my writing abilities and i've kinda found a home in this style of writing. Thanks again for taking the time to read this

-mike

Life is a torment and torment an enigma. So burn the shackles of slavery and let love run free
-i wrote it somewhere in time

sanozatsho
Junior Member

since 2006-01-26

Posts 14

3 posted 2006-01-31 12:08 PM

i like the seasons decorations.
though i feel that the last stanza went a stray from what you started out as. i do this much in my works. though i could see the connection of love for nature and love of humans.

Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

4 posted 2006-01-31 10:00 AM

i can see what you mean about that last stanza....i was trying more to make a comparison between the beauty of the stars to the beauty of a girl... it was an idea i just decided to play with... anyway thank you for the wonderful comments, i appreciate you checking me out

thanks
-mike

Life is a torment and torment an enigma. So burn the shackles of slavery and let love run free
-i wrote it somewhere in time

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