Ever run from something intangible?

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Dark Poetry #4

Ever run from something intangible?

DarkSide_Blues
Junior Member

since 2003-03-08

Posts 41
Fl, Usa.

0 posted 2004-03-05 03:40 PM

Melancholy thoughts so dreary,
Blackest night turned to queery,
Eyes of death that I know fear he,
Takes my soul away.

So I run to farther corners,
Past the black clad colored mourners,
To the home town I'm a foreigner,
Chase the break of day.

Know nought I what grimly seeks,
Makes human thoughts and minds so meek,
See a dark hued shadow sleek,
Golden life turned grey.

Run no more as I shall tire,
Spirit lacking the fiery fire,
Death I have grown to admire,
Take me home, I say.

I know it seems slightly esoteric. The inspiration was my grandfather saying that he's "Ready to go home", a few days prior to his passing away. Critique improves me. =) Do your worst.

Hollow_Emptiness
Senior Member

since 2004-02-01

Posts 715
New Zealand

1 posted 2004-03-06 04:05 AM

Thanks for posting this poem. I especially like the last line and how it relates to what your grandfather's words. I think alot of people can relate to it. Keep posting.

However long the night, the dawn will break.

eor
Senior Member

since 2002-09-26

Posts 959
blues & greys

2 posted 2004-03-06 04:47 PM

i really like what you are trying to convey wiht this poem, but the rhyming sounds forced, so for me, it takes away from yhe poem, it makes it seem abrupt, i like it, but i think it needs just a little tweaking..

"So what befalls the flawless?
Look what I've built, it shines so beautifully now watch as it destroys me."

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

3 posted 2004-03-06 08:24 PM

Oh wow.

This was so powerful, and soo..... beautifully written!! I love it. The rhyme scheme was awesome!!

~Vampire Kisses

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

Eromyna
Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 306
Pheonix, AZ, USA

4 posted 2004-03-13 11:59 AM

I have no critique. You are the best weaver of words I have encountered in far far too long.

"I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation."

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